September 14

Squawk Loudly Like a Chicken – Chapter 25

Bullet

I arrive at the bank to see Frank, Ben, and Stain, all standing around in a high school sort of circle. They haven’t noticed me yet, so I walk up behind Ben, give her the two handed kidney grab and squawk loudly like a chicken. Ben jumps, almost out of her skin then turns around and starts punching me in the chest with the back of her fists. The punches turn into slaps and the slaps turn into a rough rubbing action.

Stain looks over at us. “Guys, enough foreplay. I think I know what happened here.”

Ben backs up, and Frank comes over to hug me. She gives me a big squeeze then slowly backs up, looks down and says: “oh my, I see he likes it when Ben plays rough.”

Ben shoots a smile at me, and I smile back.

Stain points at the window, as though his finger is a gun and says: “Sappho, Ben, Frank, come stand next to me.”

We all gather around Stain who makes shooting noises with his mouth.

Ben gives Stain a queer look and says: “this seems like bullshit to me.”

I have to agree when I say: “more like hippo diarrhea.”

Frank lets out a little laugh, but she gently touches Stain’s shoulder and says: “he is definitely on to something. Let’s give him a chance.”

Stain looks at me and says: “look we were inside the bank. We assumed the cops shot in because their guns were the closest thing to us.”

I answer back. “Right. Plus, no guns went off in the bank, and we know based on how the glass broke that the bullets had to come from outside the bank.”

Stain places his thumb and index finger on each hand together then pulls them apart slowly while he says: “right. What if we assume that the cops didn’t do it?”

I shake my head. “Look, we could shift the paradigm here, but why would we assume that the most obvious guys and the only other guys with guns weren’t the guys that shot in?”

Frank looks all excited for a moment. “Wait, wait. Everyone shut up.”

Ben looks over at Frank. “What?”

Frank says: “shhh. Shut up.”

There is a long moment of silence where I look at Ben, and she just shrugs her shoulders. Stain eagerly awaits the moment.

Frank speaks up again. “If the cops didn’t do it, we know the shooter couldn’t have been in the bank. We know the shooter couldn’t have been directly behind or beside the cops because he would have to be 10 feet tall to get the bullet over all their heads. If the shooter wasn’t a cop, he would have to be up in that apartment building across the street.”

I look at Frank. “That’s a weird scenario. Why does a shooter take out an innocent woman in a bank during a robbery when there are tons of cops outside?”

Frank looks at me. “Let’s explore every angle then we can ask why later.”

“Fair enough,” I say.

Frank asks: “how many shots were fired?”

Stain answers: “there were two shots. The first one went into Lily’s head. I had just taken both rifles from the robbers, and Lily and I were in an embrace.”

Stains eyes begin to tear up, and Frank grabs the back of his head, pulls it firmly towards her very large chest and rests it down between her cleavage. She strokes his hair in a very motherly sort of way then asks: “so, Stain was holding both the weapons when Lily was shot?”

I see what she is getting at. “Yes, they were spinning around in a circle, so the shooter could have easily been going for Stain.”

“What about the second shot?” Ben asks.

“The second shot went into the wall, almost right behind our heads,” I answer.

“So the only way to be sure is to find out if the bullet was traveling mostly straight or slightly down,” said Stain.

“The police haven’t released any of that info yet,” I respond.

Frank looks at me. “But it is possible that the shooter wasn’t a police officer.”

I nod my head. “It’s not only possible; it’s likely. Stain and I didn’t belong in the bank. We created a diversion to get in. Then Stain ends up holding both weapons. If one of the cops shot in at Stain, he could have just said that he did. Stain and Lily would have looked like the bank robbers at that moment. It would have been a clean shot. Instead they said the shots came from inside the bank, which isn’t even close to being believable. They must have thought it to be true.”

Stain is still enjoying the pillow effect of Frank’s chest, while she giggles and says: “I think we’ve solved it.”

Stain asks me: “how was your date with Emily?”

“There was an awkward moment where I was going to have sex with a cab driver cause I thought Emily stood me up, but instead I offered Emily a threesome after she broke into my house.”

Ben looks at me with a disgusted look on her face. “You had a threesome today?”

“No. They both left,” I say.

Frank smiles a bit and says: “well you could have a threesome today.”

Ben rolls her eyes.

“Frank, I would love that, but I think I’m going to give up sex for a little while.”

Frank shakes her head no. “Oh no, you should never give up sex. Very bad things will happen if you do that. Sex is good for you.”

I shake my head no back at her. “I haven’t had much luck lately. Every time I try, I get interrupted. I haven’t reached the finish line the last several times I’ve tried.”

Ben starts poking my chest. “If Frank wants the three of us to fuck, then the three of us are going to fuck. Don’t act like you don’t want it.”

I smile at Ben and Frank. “Believe me, I want it. I just want to do it in a private place with someone I have feelings for.”

Ben gets angry, lifts up her shirt and bra and starts yelling: “some one? We helped you solve your bank robbery shooting. Now, you owe us. I don’t care if you have to fall in love with the two of us, but you’re going to shoot your cum all over us whether you like it or not.”

Ben grabs me below the belt and says: “that’s mine now” then walks away.

Frank gives Stain one last hug and says: “it was nice seeing you gentlemen again. This was fun. Sappho, I hope you can fall in love with us. I think I could fall in love with you.”

Frank kisses me on the cheek then on the lips. We kiss again, and it feels right, as though we’ve been lovers for a long time. I hold her hips while we kiss again and again. She holds the top of her shirt open so I can look down, smiles at me and says: “I’ll see you soon.”

Frank runs off while saying: “thanks for the adventure boys.”

September 13

Money Doesn’t Matter – Chapter 24

Door

Stain looks at me with a curious look, the look a baby makes when he’s trying to push out a poop. He adds a little brow furl on top of that and says in a Ringo Starr with cotton balls in his mouth sort of way: “gee Sappho, what do you want to do tonight?”

“Same thing we do every night Stain, try to fight for a better world.”

Stain lets out a little laugh and retorts: “I don’t think that’s the line.”

“Indeed, but we’re men, not mice.”

Stain looks concerned for a moment, like he’s had an “aha” moment of clarity.

“What are we going to do for money?” Stain asks.

“Since when do you care about money?”

“I don’t, as long as I have a place to crash and food to eat, but how are we going to do the superhero gig full time if we have jobs, and if we don’t have jobs, how are we going to eat?”

“I got the money thing covered.”

Stain pauses a moment and looks at me, but I give him a little nod. The cool thing about Stain is that he really doesn’t care about money. I can tell that he’s accepted my answer, and if my answer means that he has to sleep on a parquet floor in a bachelor apartment without a blanket or pillow, he’s cool to do that, as long as he’s getting fed.

“I don’t mind getting a part time job, to help cover bills and that,” Stain offers.

“No, no jobs. The money is covered 100%. Food, shelter, and gear are all covered. From now on, this is our job. We fight for good.”

I put my fist out.

Stain punches it. “We fight for good, but first, I want to get some t-shirts made. I mean, you can’t fight evil without t-shirts.”

“That’s true, but I’m supposed to meet Emily.”

“Who?” Stain asks.

“Emily, the waitress.”

“Waitress?”

“Smurfette.”

“Right right. Cool. You hook up with Emily, and I’ll grab the t-shirts.”

“That’s awesome, yeah, come by when you’re done then?”

“See you in a bit,” Stain says.

Stain heads over to the t-shirt shop, while I hop in an Uber and make my way home. It occurs to me that I haven’t heard from Emily yet, and she has no idea where I live. I’ll send her a text.

“I’m on my way home now. You done school?”

While I wait for a response, I begin chatting with the driver. She’s a bit older and a little heavy, but there is something about a large breasted older woman that makes me want to pull down my pants and scream out come and get it mommy.

“So, are you almost done your shift?” I ask the driver.

“No, I just started. I go until around ten, sometimes midnight.”

“Your husband or boyfriend or whatever doesn’t mind you being gone all night?”

She looks at me in the rear view mirror and smiles. “I’m not married, never was. I don’t have a lot of boyfriends either.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Yeah right,” she says.

“No really. I mean, you’re an attractive woman. I’d love to have you over sometime.”

“Now, don’t play around with a woman’s emotions like that.”

“Oh, I won’t. I promise.”

There seems to be an awkward silence the rest of the car ride home. I think I’ve made her feel uncomfortable. I suppose I took things too far too fast. I get out of the car, and just in case, part with the words: “I would love some company if you can spare a moment.”

She says nothing, so I walk towards the door of my place. Just as I’m about to go in, I feel her grab my hand, even though she still looks a bit nervous and weary, she comes in with me. I smile.

In a dark corner of the room, I see Emily, wearing very expensive looking lingerie and warming herself up a bit. The cab driver looks shocked, but I just smile at her and say: “this could be fun.”

Emily gets up, starts poking the cab driver in her giant sweater meat and says: “who are you? That’s my man. Nobody goes around with my man and lives to tell about it, nobody.”

The cab driver lady’s eyes bulge out of her head when she says: “I’m outta here” and walks out the door.

“Emily, how did you know where I live?”

Emily puts her hands on her hips and gives me a killer glare while saying: “I don’t think you understand what you’ve done here. You’ve made a very powerful enemy and . . .”

“Wait, wait, wait, wait,” I interrupt. “Are you serious? Is that a movie line or something? You’re like 4 feet tall with no money, no resources, and quite frankly you think you’re a lot smarter than you actually are.”

She’s yelling now. “I’m not short! I’m not 4 feet tall. I’m 5 foot 2. I’m really smart and really pretty, and people love and respect me. Did you think you were just going to fuck that fat old lady then stick your cock in my mouth so I could suck off her pussy juice?”

“There wasn’t really a plan in place. It was thoughtless though and perhaps disrespectful as well. Emily, I’m sorry.”

Emily starts crying and saying: “that’s ok. I just tend to attract the losers.”

Emily walks out of the house wearing nothing but her lingerie.

“Uh, Emily. Don’t go…”

Emily interrupts. “I’m going, and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop me, but mark my words. I’ll be back, bitch.” She slams the door behind her badly strung together movie lines. I was going to tell her not to go without putting some clothes on, but I suppose she’ll figure it out at some point.

I write out a text to Stain. “Remind me next time, t-shirts are better than sex.”

I get a text back. “No t-shirts. Figured out bank stuff. Are you done with the girlfriend?”

“I’m done with the bipolar stalker forever.”

“For now anyway. Come to the bank,” Stain writes.

“On my way.”

I hop in my car, and begin driving downtown. My phone rings.

“Hello.”

“Is this Sappho?”

“Yes,” I answer.

“Hi. This is Frank. Ben and I were wondering if you were free tonight.”

“Frank and Ben, my favorite taggers. I do have plans, crime fighting stuff, but if you and Ben want to join, that’d be cool.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun. Where are you fighting crime?”

“We’re trying to solve a shooting. You know the bank that got robbed downtown?”

“Yeah, I heard something about that,” Frank says.

“Cool, well I’m on my way there. Maybe text me when you guys are in the neighborhood. Stain will be there too.”

“Sounds cool. I’ll see you then.”

September 12

Lemon and Honey – Chapter 23

Lemon and Honey

A man with an obvious swagger applies powder to Stephanie’s face before he comes over to us, puts a bit of powder on my nose and says in a lisp: “looks like you’ve been working hard.”

I look up to see his bald head.

Stain shakes his head at me again. “Sappho, you mouth banged the makeup guy who is engaged to the woman interviewing us?”

“Yes, it would seem that way.”

“Nice.”

“Oh, another thing. I had my cell on me the whole time.”

“So?”

“So, I had my cell on me the whole time.”

“Oh, no. You’re traceable! They know exactly where you were the whole time.”

“Yeah!”

“Major flaw in the plan Sappho!”

“No. The plan changed. We were going to be on the run together anyway, so I didn’t have to ditch the cell until after you got out.”

“Right. Plus Big Money wouldn’t have been able to get in contact with you if you didn’t have your phone. This is a situation.”

Stephanie is ready as she announces: “with me today, we have two average looking men that go by the names Sappho and Stain.”

I interrupt: “actually we go by Stain and Sappho.” I point to Stain then to myself.

Stephanie continues. “Why the aliases when your real names are…”

Stain quickly interrupts: “they aren’t aliases. We don’t go by different names. We don’t have a set of aliases. We’ve abandoned our former names permanently in favor of our superhero names.”

Stephanie looks curiously at us. “So you both really think you’re superheros?”

I jump in by saying: “No. We are superheros. It’s not a thought. It’s the action that you take, everyday.”

Stephanie arrogantly shakes her head at me: “so everybody could be a superhero then?”

Stain calmly glares at her head, almost as though it wasn’t there when he says: “everybody could be, but almost nobody is. The world needs superheros, and if everyone were a superhero, the world would be a better place. The fact that there might only be a handful of superheros on the planet, makes it difficult.”

I chime in while looking at Stain then back at the camera: “Right right, but even if there were only one superhero on the entire planet, it would still be a better place then if there weren’t any.”

“So you guys honestly believe you have superpowers, like you can run really fast or see through my shirt or something?”

I giggle, but Stain continues on unaffected. “I have no intention of revealing our particular talents, as we want to keep that secret to use when it’s advantageous to us. We certainly don’t think we can fly or anything like that. When we talk about superheros and superpowers we’re not talking about a rich guy with a bunch of gadgets, a mutated genius, or a guy from another planet. We’re talking about people that have unique human talents and are willing to use them for the good of society without getting a pay cheque for it. I’m sorry if that damages your greed based view of the world, but that’s how it is.”

Stephanie looks at me as though she didn’t even hear the words Stain just uttered. “So, Sappho, when you were molesting that old lady in a hotel parking lot, was that the superhero thing to do?”

I give Stephanie my unimpressed look and say: “I didn’t molest anyone. There was a bit of a misunderstanding.”

Stephanie fires back again at me. “There were also reports of the two of you getting in a fight with a man and his wife.”

Stain gives a blank look, as though he doesn’t even remember, so I answer with: “no no. That man tried to attack Stain, but Stain chose not to fight until the guy came after me. He simply tackled the man then we left.”

Stephanie pipes up again. “It sounds like you have an excuse for everything don’t you?”

I don’t hesitate on that. “No. We have reasons for being wrongly accused of things. Isn’t that why you’re questioning us? Aren’t you supposed to be an impartial interviewer? Why have you judged us guilty when we’ve only tried to do good?”

Stephanie looks more angry than ever when she says: “I’m just asking for full disclosure, and I think you’re telling the good citizens what you want them to hear. You’ve been on a crime spree. You’ve assaulted cops, interfered in a bank robbery, and possibly caused a woman to die.”

I point at Stephanie, raising my voice: “now, Stephanie…”

Stain puts his hand on my arm. “Allow me.”

I look at Stain. “Are you sure?”

Stain looks at me: “it’s OK.” He looks back at Stephanie: “Stephanie, being engaged, I’m sure you can understand how important and fragile love is. I fell madly, deeply in love with Lily the one you refer to as a woman. I would have given my life to protect her, but I didn’t have the option. Someone shot her, as you know already, it was someone outside the bank. We protected everyone from the bad men in the bank. If there were two more superheros outside the bank, perhaps Lily…” Stain begins to choke up. “Perhaps Lily would still be alive.” Stain’s eyes well up, but no tears run down, as he swallows, choking back the pain and holding back as much as he can.

Stephanie’s temper isn’t calmed at all. She looks fierce when she asks: “well, if you guys didn’t do anything wrong, why were you arrested?”

I smile at Stephanie. “You know that’s not true. You know I wasn’t arrested, and if Stain did anything wrong, he would still be behind bars, not a completely free man.”

Stephanie grinds her teeth at me. “The jury is still out on that one.”

I smile even wider at Stephanie. “There is no jury on us.”

“Why is that?” Stephanie asks.

Stain very stoically adds: “Because, we fight for good.”

Stephanie yells at the cameraman: “that’s a wrap. Cut it at the jury’s still out.”

Stephanie storms off, while Stain and I walk towards the exit where we run into Big Money.

I look at Stain and Big Money. “Guys, I’ll be right back.”

Stain stops me by wrapping his arms around me. “Good to be back.”

“Yeah man. It’s good to have you back.”

I feel a little grab of my rear end. I give Stain an odd look, but he just laughs. I laugh back and run over to Stephanie’s dressing room. As usual, the door is unlocked. I go in to see Stephanie and Rick calmly talking.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Rick motions me to come in: “you’re not interrupting. It’s OK.”

Stephanie yells: “get out. I never want to see you again.”

I close the door behind me and quickly say: “I just wanted to apologize, to both of you, really. I never meant to do anything to hurt you or your relationship.”

Stephanie yells again: “well you did. Asshole!”

Rick is much more calm. “It’s us who used you. Stephanie and I both knew who I was, who I am. We just never admitted it.”

Rick holds out his arms, so I give him a hug. Stephanie grabs my hair in her hands yanks it towards her and kisses me on the lips. Things escalate fast while Stephanie and I start touching each other frantically. Rick unzips my pants and puts me in his mouth, while Stephanie disrobes completely and bends over the couch. Rick pulls me out of his mouth and, with his hand, guides me directly into Stephanie. At that exact moment the female security guard comes in.

“Holy mother fucking Jesus fuck. What the fuck is wrong with you fucking people? Sappho, the boss wants you.” She closes the door but stays in the room, waiting for me.

I continue thrusting into Stephanie, while Rick is giving me the “we shouldn’t be doing this look.”

I look back at the security lady. “As you can see, I just need a few more minutes.”

I take Rick’s hand and spank Stephanie with it. She lets out a little gasp. Then I push Rick’s face towards Stephanie’s backside. He gets the idea. While his tongue is servicing her backside, I reach around and give her the right kind of stimulation. Stephanie grabs Rick’s soldier in her hand.

“Seriously, we gotta fucking go, and if I don’t fucking come back with you, the boss is going to fucking yell, then he’s going to rip out my fucking heart and eat it while it’s still beating.”

I pull out of Stephanie, put my clothes back on and begin walking out with the security lady. “I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble or anything, but I really could have used a bit more time.”

I look back and Rick has taken my place. It’s a beautiful site. A homosexual man and a heterosexual woman. How could two people be more in love?

Rick is really thrusting hard when he waves at me and says: “thanks Sappho. Hey Stephanie, if we did get married, would you pee on me?”

Stephanie looks back at Rick, “oh yeah, as long as you eat my ass while I’m doing it. That feels good.”

I close the door behind me and walk away with the security lady. She looks down at my pants: “do you need a minute?”

“Nope.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Fucking nasty. Listen, despite what I just walked in on, I think what you and Stain did at the bank was really cool.”

“Thanks. Thank you.”

I see Big Money down the hall. “Hey B.M. what’s up?”

Big Money looks at my pants. “What’s up with you? And where were you two for so long?”

“Chill out man. What is she your niece or something?”

“Yes!”

“Whoa! Sorry B.M., nothing happened.”

“Really?”

Stain shakes his head at me.

The security lady speaks up for me: “he was with Stephanie.”

Big Money lets out a little laugh. “Again?”

The security lady says: “and Rick, and they left the door unlocked.”

Big Money lets out a big old baby panda eating laugh and says: “you gotta learn to knock. Davis, you sick sick bastard.”

I look towards Big Money, while I see the cop that Stain first assaulted walking out of the building, and I say: “so, what did you need me for?”

Big Money shakes his head. “Don’t worry. He had some questions about the terrorist attack, but I think we cleared them up. We let him know where you were.”

“Oh?”

Stain yells out. “Officer, you dropped your phone.” Stain holds it up in the air.

The cop inspects it thoroughly, gives Stain a snide look, utters “mmhhhmm” and walks out.

I look at Stain. “He looked tired.”

Stain answers: “yeah, he’s had the day off, not sleeping well, I guess. He’s actually off duty right now, so nobody knows he’s here.”

“Oh,” I answer back.

“Thanks again Big Money,” I say.

“Don’t mention it. You guys go fight some lesbian crime and come back when you have a story.”

Stain and I walk out together. Stain smiles at me. “Hey man, as it turn out, you dropped your phone too.”

Stain hands me my phone. It’s definitely my phone. I confess: “I don’t get it?”

Stain smiles again. “You hungry? I could go for some chips?”

I smile back. “Gotchya, but won’t they just know that the phone’s chips are switched?”

Stain shrugs his shoulders. “Chain of evidence, plausible deniability, blah blah blah. At the very least, it’ll throw them off until the media stops allowing the police to call it a terrorist attack.”

“Yeah, optics are everything for them.”

Stain nods. “Optics are everything. That’s why we need a brand.”

I laugh. “T-shirts.”

“T-shirts,” Stain returns.

I pop my finger in my mouth. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, lemon and honey.

September 11

The Terrorist Attack – Chapter 22

Sandalwood

I head over to the TV station, since I’m already downtown. I discard the prison break backpack and all the gear in a dumpster along the way. The grappling hook is still hooked on to the police roof. Unfortunately, I couldn’t figure out a suitable way to retrieve it after climbing down. Lucky for me, I never let the schweinhund get my finger prints.

At the TV station, I walk up to the security desk. I look up to see security cameras everywhere. I bet they’re time stamped too. There’s a man and a woman behind the desk, both very young, beautiful, and in great shape. The woman is chatting with someone on her cell, while the man is looking around in a very paternal sort of way.

“Yes sir?” The security man asks.

“I’m Sappho. I’m here to see Stephanie.”

“Sappho. I don’t see your name on the list.”

“What about Davis?”

“Davis? Yeah. I have a Davis, but not until 12:00pm with the boss. It’s only 10am.”

“Right. I’m supposed to meet with Stephanie first.”

“I don’t have you here until 12:00pm.”

“Stephanie asked me to come in before hand.”

“Is it a pre interview? I could call her up.”

“Uh. Your discretion is pretty important here.”

“Sir?”

“I’m going to see Stephanie, and give her a little pre interview…” I motion forward with my fist.

“Ah, sir?” The security man looks confused.

“I’m going to play some reindeer games.”

“Sir, I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

I whisper: “I’m going to say hello to her tropical zone with my North pole. Then, I’m going to continue with the polar warming in any other zone she’ll allow.”

“Sir, you’ll need to be more straight forward. I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

I speak loudly out of frustration. “I’m going to take Stephanie, tear off anything that covers her beautiful milky white skin, taste anything that opens, and put myself in every wet spot that she’ll allow. Then after she screams my name as loud as she can, I’m going to pull out and explode all over the place. We’ll both be covered in each other’s juices when I run my hand through her hair, kiss her lovely soft pink lips, and tell her how beautiful she is.”

The security man is just staring at me. The security woman, who still has the phone up to her ear, isn’t talking anymore, but she is staring at me with her eyes bulging and her mouth gaping open. Other passers by have stopped and are looking at me too. I hear a baby panda eating laugh then I feel a slap on the back. It’s Big Money. He ushers me out of the lobby, towards the dressing rooms.

“Davis, you need to be a bit less public about Stephanie. She’s very private about her private life, or at least she was until you came along.”

“Sorry Big Money. I was trying to be discrete, but the security guy was a bit dense.”

“Yeah, he’s my nephew.”

“I’m so sorry B.M. I didn’t know.”

“No no, it’s fine. My nephew is an idiot, that’s why he works here. I can’t imagine that anyone would employ him anywhere else. Oh, and why did you start calling me B.M.?

“B.M. for Big Money.”

“That’s not what B.M. means. Here’s Stephanie’s dressing room. You can hang out until we all meet. What’s that smell? Is it some kind of incense or something?”

“Incense?”

“Nevermind. Davis, if you need anything, call up the assistants, they’ll get it for you.”

“Thanks Big Money, again.”

I go inside, close the door, take my shoes off and lie down on the couch. Stephanie doesn’t seem to be around, so I nod off to sleep.

“Wake up. I said wake up.”

“What?”

“Sappho. Wake up.”

“Stephanie?”

“Yes, it’s Stephanie. This is my dressing room.”

“What are you doing in here?”

“You’re in my dressing room! Get out!”

“Five more minutes.”

“I’ll be back in an hour. You better be out of here before then.”

“OK. OK.”

I nod back off to sleep.

I feel a wonderful sensation. My little guy has grown big, and it feels warm and wet. I feel a mouth working my popsicle. I move my hands out to run them through Stephanie’s beautiful blonde hair, but all I feel is skin. I open my eyes to see a big bald head bouncing up and down on me. Stephanie’s bald? Oh, that’s not Stephanie. Oh, that’s not a woman! He looks up at me smiles, while he chokes on me. I hear the door knob turn. Please be locked, please be locked, please be locked.

The door opens, and I hear the Big Money’s baby panda eating laugh, followed by Stephanie yelling at him. “Don’t laugh. That’s not funny.”

Big Money looks at me, barely able to hold back his laughter. “I see you’ve met Stephanie’s fiance.” The bald man keeps bobbing up and down, while Stephanie watches, devastated but transfixed.

Big Money looks at me. “You sick fucker. Time to meet. Oh, and by the way, Reggie is a free man.”

Stain walks in and shakes his head at me.

I push the handsome bald guy off me, run over to Stain and give him a huge embrace.

“Ah, Sappho, you’re poking me, and you’re getting that guys spit all over my shirt.”

“Sorry. Sorry.”

I awkwardly tuck it away into my pants, doing up my zipper and belt.

Big Money has trouble not laughing when he asks: “how long is it going to stay like that?”

Stain looks at Big Money and says: “a long time.”

Big Money looks at Stephanie. “Stephanie. Be ready in 15 minutes to interview Reggie and Davis. Oh, and make sure the cameraman knows to shoot above the waist only. Oh, Davis, you sick fucker you. Reggie, Davis, come with me.”

Big Money walks us to his office, practically laughing the whole way.

Big Money, why didn’t you tell me she was engaged?” I say with my eyes bulging directly out at him.

“If I told you, would you have stopped playing around with her?”

“Yes!”

Stain and Big Money both look at me and say, in unison: “no you wouldn’t have.”

“You don’t know that.”

Big Money laughs again. “Look, I was just sparing you the guilt. Now, Stephanie and her fiance Rick are forced to see what they’ve done to each other, and you’re forced out of the situation. Everybody is happy, and nobody had to make the wrong choice to continue to lie and cheat.”

Stain gestures toward me. “Big Money has a point.”

I put on my best frowny face. “Yeah, maybe on the top of his head.”

Big Money brings us into his office and closes the door. “All right now. No hard feelings. Listen, I brought you guys here . . .”

Big Money looks distracted and stops speaking mid sentence. Then he looks at Stain and starts sniffing him.

“Stain, What’s the smell on you?”

“It’s smoke, from the police station.”

Big Money shakes his head no. “That’s not smoke. It smells like incense or something.”

Stain looks at me out of the corner of his eyes. “Right, it’s smoke, from the terrorist attack at the police station this morning.”

I give Stain a very questioning look. “Terrorist attack?”

Stain gently looks back at me. “That’s what the cops are calling it.”

Big Money raises his eyebrows at me. “How is it that you both smell the same?”

I shake my head at Big Money. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.”

Big Money touches Stain’s shoulder. “Did anyone get hurt?”

“No, as it turns out, I don’t think it was real smoke.”

Big Money picks up his phone and dials a few numbers. “Yes, please bring me all security video, including any backups from this morning.” There’s a short pause. “I don’t care about procedure. Just do it and do it now. Everything from before 11:00am.” Another short pause occurs. “Now!” Big Money slams the phone down.

A surprising calm washes over Big Money. “Gentlemen, it looks like the security videos from this morning have permanently gone missing, so if anyone, for any reason were to ask what time Davis came in, I would have to tell them that to the best of my recollection, he showed up around . . .”

Stain quickly adds in “8:30.”

Big Money finishes by saying: “he showed up around 8:30am.”

Big Money tosses me a signed baseball that sits on a mount on his desk and says: “looks like I called you just in time.”

I toss the ball back to Big Money and admit that “yes, you called me just in time.”

Big Money opens his office door, puts his arms around us, ushering us out. “Gentlemen, it looks like we have an agreement. Lets go do this interview.”

September 10

Breaking Stain Out of Jail – Chapter 21

Clown

Some song about a misogynistic man with a questionable sense of morality plays on the radio. The ladies that he keeps referring to as female dogs seem to be calling him “Daddy,” which would indicate that he is either their real father, which I would hope is not the case when he is expressing the requirement for them to perform fellatio, or he is their pimp. It would be interesting to hear a song that is as spirited and melodious that discusses male sexuality without focusing on a particular female body part or reducing a woman to a street walker, and it can’t be a love song. Perhaps a rhyming scheme of some sort would help the lyrics.

My Attempt at a Rap Song

I like women who are hot and smart.
It makes me laugh when they fart.
I wear a cowboy hat, so they call me Tex.
They ride me like a horse when we have sex.

All right, so song writing isn’t going to be my next career. I’ll stick with the whole superhero deal for now. What if I followed the formula that the misogynist used for his song, but I didn’t use any of the obvious female body parts, sexual moves, or pimp/prostitute relationships?

My Second Attempt at a Rap Song

Dirt bag, I want you to rub your diseased labia all over my fingers.
I lift them up to my nose, loving how the stink lingers.
I love how you give me a footjob.
You might be mentally handicapped, but you make my junk throb.

Yep, that’s the one. I’ll work on that. I could see it going top 40. I come out of my semi conscious state to realize that I’m lying in bed listening to my alarm clock radio. It’s five minutes past midnight. There’s no time to waste. My bag is packed, I’ve called a taxi, and now it’s time to head out.

“Hello sir, where can I take you tonight?”

“Can you take me to the corner of Baylor and Stewart please?”

“Yes of course. Going downtown. Going to party?”

“Oh, yes! It’s time to let loose, you know?”

“It’s important every now and then.”

The cab driver has a mild accent. A tree symbol and a cross of some sort hang from his rear view mirror. I want to boast about what I’ve done, what I’ll pull off, the genius that is me. I keep my mouth shut and enjoy the ride downtown. People get caught when they talk. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I don’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Hello handsome, this is Emily.”

“Hello Emily,” I say in a ‘Hello Clarice,’ Hannibal Lecter sort of way.

“Whoa, that’s super creepy. So, what are you doing tonight?”

“I’m just heading downtown.”

“Really, where are you going?”

“I’m sorry, Emily, you said. Where do I know you from?”

“The restaurant.”

“The restaurant?”

“I was your server.”

“What?”

“It’s Smurfette.”

“Oh, the attractive little person.”

“I’m not short. I’m average.”

“Right. So, Smurfette, I’m glad you called me, on account of you being so attractive and intelligent and all, but how did you get my number?”

“Call me Emily. When you left the restaurant, I followed you. I found out where you live, what you do, who your friends are, and your phone number.”

There’s a long pause before she lets out a cute little giggle.

“So, Stain gave you my number in the restaurant?”

“Yeah, he said you were like totally enamored with me.”

“So, you asked Stain for my number at the restaurant, and he gave it to you?”

“Yes, of course. He didn’t tell you?”

“No. He’s cool like that.”

“So about tonight?”

“Tonight I’m busy. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have school.”

“Well, when you’re done at the University, come over. I’ll text you my address.”

“University? No, no. I’m in High School.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry. I’m in my senior year. I’m almost 18. My birthday is next month, so what time tomorrow?”

“I’m quite a bit older than you. You’re really 17?”

The cab driver chimes in. “Not with a 17 year old my friend. Never with a 17 year old. If the law doesn’t get you, her father will.”

“Who was that?” Emily asks.

“That was the cab driver. He says that we shouldn’t get together until after your next birthday.”

“You really think I look 17? I’m so insulted. I’m in University.”

“I sort of don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“I’m in my third year at University. I turn 21 next month.”

“All right. All right. Come over tomorrow after school. I’ll text you my address. You might need to bring ID though and a school girl outfit. Hey, will you have your books with you too?”

“Well, yes. I’ll be coming from school.”

“Should I wear a tweed jacket with elbow patches?”

“Do you have a tweed jacket with elbow patches?”

“No, but I’ll wear one, nothing else though. You’ll just see my tweed and my tweedle.”

“I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

“Bye Smurfette.”

“It’s Emily. Goodbye Sappho.”

“Goodbye Emily.”

The cab driver pulls over. I pull some cash out of my pocket and hand it to him.

“Thank you.”

“Sir, your change?”

“That’s ok.”

“Sir, that’s a lot of money.”

“It’s fine. Have a goodnight.”

“Thank you sir.”

The cab drives off, and I walk a block over to the police station.

I find what I thought might be a blind spot near the bushes. It is indeed. Cameras surround the rest of the building, but the roof top cameras all point down, and rotate around covering the grounds.

I pull out a grappling hook, and after several attempts get it hooked on the roof. The guy who sold this to me told me to remember to use my legs to climb and my arms only as a guide. I move my feet up the wall first, applying the pressure to them, while I guide my hands up after each step. I pull the grappling hook and rope up and put them once again into my backpack. The roof is a complete dead zone for cameras. Not even one of them is pointing at me. I walk lightly over to where the prisoner loading door must be. There’s restricted access around that area, but it looks big enough for a bus to be able to load and unload. There are two cameras pointed down at that area. I don’t want anyone leaving out that door. It’ll be too easy for the police to isolate Stain there. I take off my jacket and shirt. I drop my jacket on one of the cameras and my shirt on the other, hoping that it looks like the cameras just went black. I fasten my grappling hook to the roof, scale down and fill the area around the prisoner loading door with polyfill. I use a whole large tube of the stuff, taking my putty knife and really pushing it into the cracks of the door. I throw that stuff in the backpack and climb the wall again. I pull up the grappling hook and rope and quickly pull the jacket and shirt off the cameras, dressing myself again.

Now I just need to wait. I find a part of the roof where I’m less likely to be spotted, put my backpack on the ground, use it as a pillow, snuggling up and taking a little nap.

Whoa, traffic noise all around, and the sun is shining. How did I sleep so long? I look at my phone. It’s almost 9am, and people are already showing up. Time to setup.

  1. Sandal Wood Essential Oil – this will go in item number 11
  2. Grappling hook – I used this to climb the building
  3. A good sturdy backpack – I used this to carry everything
  4. Polyfill and Putty knife – I used this to seal the prisoner loading door
  5. Anonymous proxy server software – I used this to create anonymity when I created a fake event web site that invited the entire city (through fake Twitter, fake email, and fake Facebook accounts), including media, to this morning’s catered version of “Police Celebration Day.”
  6. Clown mask and Clown wig – I’ll put these on now to fit in with the other clowns.
  7. $200 gift card credit card x 2 – I used these to secure the fake web site and anonymously put a deposit down on hiring a catering service, a dozen balloon animal creating clowns, and a few juggling harlequins.
  8. Vacuum hose and Duct tape – I’ll attach these to item number 11, and now I’m all setup.
  9. Taser – let’s hope I don’t have to use this.
  10. Some cash – cab, items, and escape money.

Item number 11 is a fog machine that came with a substance called fog juice. I mixed the sandal wood with it in hopes of tricking people into believing that it’s real smoke. I duct taped the vacuum hose to the fog machine and stuck the hose in the police station’s roof top air exchange. Now, fun will ensue. The station is full of clowns, caterers, media, adults, and children. Cops are probably trying to usher everyone out for this confusing unplanned event, and the place is about to fill up with a substance that looks and smells a bit like smoke. They’ll be forced to evacuate the building, but the prisoner’s will be taken out of the same mass panic, hysterical coughing doors that everyone else is leaving through.

My cell begins vibrating. Not a good time, but call display shows that it’s Big Money.

“B.M., what’s up?”

“Did you just call me B.M.?”

“Yeah, yeah, what’s up?”

“Davis, man, what’s up with you?”

“Sorry B.M., I’m just in the middle of something.”

Big Money lets out one of his patented baby panda eating laughs. “I bet you are. Take yourself out of that poor woman and listen up.”

I say nothing and give a breath of impatience.

“All right all right. I understand, you want to get back to diddling your lady. You filthy dog, you. Listen now, the forensic team found that both bullets came from outside the bank. As a result, the cops are dismissing the charges against Reggie, bad PR and all. They have to process the paperwork, but as long as nothing urgent happens down at the station, Reggie should be out by lunch time. I’ll get the car to pick him up, and you can both meet me down at the TV station.”

“Uh, oh boy! Stick a toothpick in my peehole and call me Sally.”

“I know. It’s great news right. Listen, if you’re still up for it, I’m hoping our deal is still on. We’d like to follow you guys for the next year, if you’re still doing the whole superhero lesbo shit.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll come by around lunch. I really have to go.”

People are screaming in the background.

“Davis, you dirty fucker man. How many girls you got over there?”

“I’ll see you later man.”

“All right you dirty bastard. Try to video tape that shit.”

“Oh, there will be a video.”

I hang up the phone while I get one last baby panda eating laugh from the other end.

I grab the fog machine, oil, fog juice, duct tape, and vacuum hose and throw them in the back pac. I fasten the grappling hook to the camera blind spot and climb down the wall.

I run around the front of the building to see cops desperately trying to hold on to the prisoners while the crowd is evacuating in a confused and sloppy manner. Fire trucks have shown up and the clowns, for some reason are still performing. Stain looks at me, while I’m dressed in my wig and mask. There’s something he recognizes about me. Perhaps it’s my jacket, my height, my size, but most likely it’s the determination in my gait. I always have the “business walk” when I’m up to something. He waves to me and begins to shake loose from the cops. I shake my head no at him and give him the stop sign with my hand. He nods and stays put, while I walk off in the opposite direction.

September 9

Need it List – Chapter 20

Taser

I’m at home with no beer and no steak. I can enjoy a good steak, but I’d rather have a nice sausage on the BBQ with a glass of wine and some fried potatoes. No wine today though. I need to focus. Alcohol gives courage, but it won’t lend you any brain power or motivation, and I’m short on time.

I’m not letting Stain rot in the pokey. For one thing, he’s skinny and has a narrow waist, a big butt, and a fairly hairless body. The words Asian lady boy come to mind. Now, I like my women with boobs and no penis, but I suspect the prison folks are a bit less choosy.

I’m just making fun of Stain, but in all seriousness, he can handle himself. He’s strong and determined, and if he does get raped, the guy who did it is going to be missing a penis pretty soon after that.

Stain helped me get out, and now I’m getting him out, at any cost, screw the process. I just need a cup of green tea, a spot of almond milk, and an idea list.

Ideas List

  1. Walk into the station with a huge crew and lots of guns – gun play, not a good idea I’m not willing to see more brain matter.
  2. Drill a huge hole in the jail cell wall, and Stain walks out – this wouldn’t go unnoticed.
  3. Hack into the city computers and release Stain from the system. The bureaucracy can’t move him without the proper paperwork – not ideal. Even if I released him completely and erased all records, the cops still know what he did, and they would just put him back in the system.
  4. Hijack the transport bus – this won’t work. Stain hasn’t been convicted so he’s just going to a much larger holding facility that’s within city limits. Observers and cops will be nearby at all times to lend a hand. There is also a huge risk of gun play as there is likely to be an armed guard on the transport bus.

By itself this is a bad list, but it gives me a great idea. All I need is an online map, a web site where people sell their crap, a couple of department stores, and help from a few hundred people, no guns, no destruction of public buildings, no hacking, and no hijacking.

Need it List

 

  1. Sandal Wood Essential Oil
  2. A grappling hook
  3. A good sturdy backpack
  4. Polyfill and Putty knife
  5. Anonymous proxy server software
  6. Clown mask and Clown wig
  7. $200 gift card credit card x 2
  8. Vacuum hose and Duct tape
  9. Taser
  10. Some cash

 

I just need to find one more thing to complete my list then I pick up my items, pay for them, and I’m on the computer to work some magic. Looking at the satellite photos from the online map, I see there is an area where trees are planted that shelter the station from the road. That will come in handy for visibility reasons.

September 8

This Just Won’t Do – Chapter 19

Door

My fingers are caressing Stephanie’s warm gooey goodies. She continues to kiss me but stops as her eyes close, head tilts backward, and she lets out a little moan. Her voice is quite, but her basement is flooded like it’s hurricane season.

The door opens, and I quickly withdraw my digits from beneath Stephanie’s under garb. She sprints over to put her shirt on. Her beautiful little pink dots stay at the exact same elevation as her tiny, perky, flesh doesn’t move along with her. There is no bounce and no sag, just a perfect level of unchanging salute.

“Davis, good you’re still here.”

Big Money, uh . . .”

“Davis come with me. There’s someone I want to introduce you to.”

“OK”

Stephanie is slightly paralyzed, but she chimes in. “Sir, um, I can explain.”

Big Money waves at her. “No need, no need. Your dressing room, your business. Next time you lock the door, and I’ll knock.”

“Yes sir.”

I walk out with Big Money and close the door behind me.

Big Money pats me on the back. “Taste your fingers.”

“Really?”

“Oh man, trust me. Taste your fingers.”

“I uh..”

Big Money takes my hand and puts it up to my mouth. I give the “why not” shoulder shrug and pop my fingers in my mouth.

“Well?”

“She tastes really good. How did you know? You’ve been with her?”

Big Money starts laughing, the kind of loud boisterous laugh you might expect from someone who is eating a live baby panda while throwing nickles on top of hot coals and inviting starving children to collect them. “No. Nobody’s been with Stephanie. I just wanted to see if you’d do it. You’re one sick fucker. You know that?”

I shake my head at Big Money. “OK, you got me.” I pop my fingers back in my mouth for another taste. It’s a bit like honey and lemon.

“You sick fucker. Take that woman’s vag juices outta your mouth. I got a lawyer for you and Reggie.” He slaps my hand away from my mouth, opens his office door and says: “Davis, this is James, our corporate lawyer. He is going to make sure you and Reggie get the best representation. It’s on me. The only stipulation is that we get the exclusive story from you and Reggie for the next year.”

I put my hand in my pocket to discreetly wipe away the juice and saliva, pull it out, and shake James’ hand.

Big Money belts out another baby panda eating laugh, which causes James to look at him in a very puzzled manner. Big Money puts his hand on my shoulder. “Now listen. You’re Davis, OK. None of that lesbian erotica shit with putting your Stain on Sappho when you’re talking to lawyers, judges, cops, or anyone involved in the law. Save that for the fans.”

“OK, yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

I look at James. “How long do you think until we can get Stain, I mean Reggie, out of holding.”

“Well, right now, we’re going to work on keeping you out of jail. It seems like there isn’t anything that the cops can really charge you with at the moment, but Reginald assaulted several police officers, and once they are done processing him, he is going to move from the holding cell to a real life prison, at least until we can get him in front of a judge.”

I’m worried. “Then we can get him out?”

“Not likely. That part is more of a formality. He’ll still have to go to trial.”

“Then, when will he get out?”

“If there aren’t any big delays, it depends on whether he is granted bail or not. He could be locked up for 3 months, possibly 6 months, before a verdict is found. I suspect if we can get enough media attention though, we can get a plea bargain for time served.”

“If he pleads guilty?”

“Right, but then he would be out in a month.”

“So, if he lies and says he’s guilty, he gets out in a month, but if he tells the truth and says he’s innocent, he has to serve 6 months in jail, and that’s only if he’s found not guilty?”

“The law has a process, and Reginald’s best bet, now that he’s in the system, is probably going to be a guilty plea.”

“This won’t do.”

James puts his hands up and looks at Big Money.

Big Money puts his hand on my shoulder and ushers me out of his office. “Look, we’ll work out the details. Davis, go home, grab a beer, have a steak, and enjoy your freedom. We’ll get Reggie out, at any cost.”

“Thanks. Thank you.”

I say thank you because I’m grateful, but this just won’t do.

September 7

The Interview – Chapter 18

News

“What’s your name?”

“Sappho.”

“Is that your first name or last name?”

“It’s my name. There’s no more.”

“Look, the boss asked me to interview you, but it’s my reputation on the line here, so if you’re not going to be straight forward with me, I’m not doing the interview. This is my career after all.”

“You’re Stephanie right? I’ve seen you do the news before.”

“That’s right.”

“Stephanie, I don’t think you understand that this will be your career maker. I’m bringing you a story as a witness to the crimes.”

“All right. Let’s just roll and we’ll see where it goes.”

Stephanie calls the camera man over and a makeup lady. After a lot of fuss and setup, she sits down and introduces me to the camera.

“So, you call yourself Sappho? Is that an alias?”

“Sappho is more like a nickname. It’s what people call me.”

“Right, right. Well, from early reports that we’re getting, you and your accomplice Stain sexually assaulted a retired woman, assaulted a man, ran away from the cops when you were wanted for questioning, robbed a bank, murdered a woman, assaulted several police officers, and now you have escaped police custody. Why the rash of violent crime? What are you rebelling against?”

I slip off my shoes and stretch out my legs.

“Stephanie . . . uh, may I call you Stephanie?”

“Yes of course.”

“I apologize ahead of time if I’m not well put together. Today has been particularly rough. I’ve never been on television before, and you’re quite lovely. I’m sorry if that makes things awkward, but I find it difficult to talk to you because you’re just so ridiculously beautiful.”

“Oh. Well. OK. Thank you.”

“Stephanie, I believe you asked me about the bank.”

“Among other things.”

“Stain and I saw a bank robbery in progress. We went in to see if we could stop it. We wanted to see if we could talk the robbers into putting down their weapons and walking out.”

“How did you know there was a bank robbery? Did you have a police scanner?”

“No, no. We wouldn’t do that. We saw a police car outside the bank and people acting strangely nearby. We figured there was robbery.”

“So, you broke into the bank while it was under police control?”

“No no. Stephanie, no. We just walked right through the unlocked front door. Nobody tried to stop us.”

I rested my foot on top of Stephanie’s.

“What? Um, what did you see when you got inside?”

“There weren’t too many people around, but I wasn’t really focused on that. We saw two robbers with low caliber rifles. I talked to the leader to get him to surrender, while I was doing that, Stain got the rifle from the other robber. Soon after that, Stain discovered that a woman in the bank was somebody that he met recently, someone that he fell for.”

“So, Stain was in love with this women?”

“It would seem like an instant connection, yes.”

I began running my foot up Stephanie’s leg, and she just smiled at me.

“Tell us about the gunshot.”

“The police shot into the bank at that point, killing Lily, the woman of Stain’s adoration. Stain lost himself to that moment. He held Lily while she departed from this world. The police then shot into the bank again.”

“What did you do then?”

“I got everyone to leave the bank. I was afraid the police were going to kill everyone. The robbers actually helped to evacuate the bank. They were villains, but they turned into heros.”

“Now, what do you say to the police when they say that Stain shot that woman from point blank? They say that the bullets came from inside the bank and shot out the bank window.”

“There were two shots. One came through the window and landed in Lily’s head. The bank window shattered inward, into the bank. The second shot, I don’t know. I don’t know where it landed, but they’ll find it in the bank, and they’ll trace it back to a cop’s gun.”

“They say that Stain was holding two rifles at the point the female victim was shot.”

“Stain was securing the robbers weapons. They had agreed to surrender.”

“So, why escape police custody?”

“I didn’t escape. I was never arrested. I was never read my rights. I wasn’t processed or put in jail. I walked out of the police station. I did that legally. Anyone who checks their records will see that.”

Stephanie takes a long pause. “Is there anything else you would like to say?”

“Yes. As far as I know the police still haven’t arrested Stain for any crime. They are holding him illegally, and I would like to ask for his immediate freedom.”

Stephanie takes a long pause again, smiles at me, and says: “that’s a wrap.”

Stephanie gets up and begins walking away. I put my shoes back on and follow her.

“Stephanie, where are you going?”

No answer.

“Stephanie, I thought that went well.”

“Did you? You know I’m a professional, and running your stinky foot up my leg while I’m trying to interview you, well it demeans me. It makes a fool of me and what I am and what I stand for.”

Stephanie opens the door to her dressing room.

“Stephanie, please forgive me. I respect you and your profession, and I don’t want you to think…”

Stephanie grabs my hand. “Shut up. I don’t care what you have to say.” She pulls me into her dressing room and shuts the door behind her.

Stephanie removes her shirt.

I absorb Stephanie’s image. “You are beautiful.”

“Why do people call you Sappho anyway?”

“I’m a superhero.”

“Yeah, right. What’s your superpower?”

Stephanie unhooks her bra and smiles at me. I smile back, say nothing and kiss her on her big beautiful pink lips.

September 6

Call for Help – Chapter 17

Call for Help

“Name”?

“Sappho.”

“First name followed by last name.”

“The name is Sappho. No last name.”

“Are you homeless or something?”

“No. Are you homeless?”

She looks at me as though I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. “I obviously have a job. I’m sitting here entering your information. So, no I’m not homeless. Look, you’re going to have to give me your cell, wallet, and any valuables you have on you. Basically, you’ll need to give me everything that you have that isn’t clothing or shoes.”

“Nope.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said no. I’m not doing that.”

She gives me the idiot look again and motions towards a police officer. “Dalton? Come over here please.”

I pull out my phone.

“Never mind,” she says.

Dalton looks at me. “Everything good?”

“Everything is fine,” I say calmly.

Dalton begins walking away, so I quickly dial a number on my phone.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Big Money. I need your help.”

“Man, people are always calling me for help. Is this Davis?”

“Yeah yeah. I go by Sappho now, but listen. I have the story of a lifetime for you. Can you meet me at the downtown police station, right away?”

“Davis man, this better be good. I haven’t even heard from you in years. How are you man? Were you arrested?”

“No, I wasn’t arrested. They’re holding me illegally. It’s Sappho now. We’ll talk when you get here.”

At this point, the lady who was asking me for my personal stuff has got up and is bringing Dalton over. I hang up the phone quickly and pocket it.

Dalton looks at me. “Hand over the phone.”

I see Stain, only a few desks away. He looks at me with wide eyes and points at the door. I nod.

Stain walks right over to a cop and punches him in the throat. My only escape is through a pass key only door.

Four cops, including Dalton, grab Stain, but Stain is punching and kicking with all his might.

I grab the clerk lady’s pass and bolt for the door. She’s in shock over the commotion. I see three cops outside the door who look at me curiously when I’m leaving on my own. I start yelling at them. “Quick quick quick. There’s a riot in there. Go go go!”

Two of them run in there like good little soldiers.

I do the slow saunter towards the door. The third toy soldier in blue starts yelling at me to stop. I completely ignore him and continue walking. A good toy soldier isn’t going to leave his post, so I’m out the front door.

Big Money, hey.”

“Davis. Hey man.”

Big money wraps his arms around me.

“Stain is in there man.”

“Stain. Who is Stain?”

“You know – Reggie.”

“Reggie’s in jail. Man, I always knew he would end up there.”

“No, that’s the thing Big Money, Stain and I were never arrested. I just escaped.”

“You escaped police custody?”

“No. I was never arrested.”

“Davis man . . . that’s just a technicality.”

“Not according to the law.”

“No, but it’s just your word against the cops.”

“Right. They shot an unarmed woman in a bank.”

“The bank robbery. You were there? Early reports are saying that the shots came from inside the bank.”

Big Money, listen man. You have someone go by there. The glass is all shattered inside in the bank, almost none on the sidewalk. How does that happen?”

“All right man. Let’s get you off the street. Come to the TV station, and I’ll have someone do your story. You better not have robbed that bank.”

September 5

You Can’t Hurry Love – Chapter 16

Broken Glass

As I’m finishing my last few bites of food, Stain goes over to the waitress and hands her a credit card. They chat for a while, and she writes something down.

Stain points at the door. He does that a lot; he points. His nonverbal communication skills are extraordinarily effective. I nod, and we walk out together.

I give Stain the ‘you da man’ glance. “Picked up the waitress? Nice!”

Stain looks disgusted. “No way. That’s evil man. You don’t pick up a woman who relies on tips at her place of work. That’s just wrong.”

“So, waitress isn’t the oldest profession on earth?”

“Yeah. Funny. Why did you think I was picking her up?”

“You guys were chatting for a while, and didn’t you give her your phone number? She was writing something down.”

“No. I didn’t give her my phone number. I told you; that’s evil.”

Stain points to a big yellow M down the road. “We’re almost there. The t-shirt shop is right next to the capitalist feeding trough.”

As we’re getting closer, people in the area are starting to move in weird ways. They are frantic but not quite panicked. “Stain, what’s going on?”

Stain points at a cop car, then at a bank. “It’s going down.”

“Stain, man, only one car. It’s just starting to go down. Is this us? Should we be in there saving the day?”

“We’re superheros. We fight for good.”

I nod my head yes. “But, by saving the bank, we might be saving a bad institution that helps aid disparity.”

Stain shakes his head no. “It doesn’t matter. There might be innocent people in there. It’s not about saving the bank. It’s about saving the victims.”

Stain points again. “Isn’t that the guy who almost gave me eye herpes?”

“I thought that was the football team.”

“Funny. I mean the South to go South guy. The fellow without possessions.”

“That’s him.”

The transient walks towards us. “What are you guys doing?”

He seems surprisingly lucid. I look deep in his eyes. “We’re going to stop a bank robbery in progress.”

“Might I be of assistance my good sirs?”

Stain looks at me. “Sure?”

The transient does a little dance. “Wonderful my good man, wonderful. Now, the first rule of hiring a mercenary is he must be paid to stay loyal.”

I reach into my pocket and pull out twenty cents, holding it in my hand.

He grabs the money and starts speaking in a British accent. “20 pence. A very fair wage. A very fair wage indeed. I will provide the much needed distraction.”

The transient runs over to the bank and begins doing a very odd looking folk dance, while yelling: “use the door. Use the door.”

I look at Stain. “Could it be that simple? Would they have left the front door unlocked?”

“Amateurs would have.”

“Who else would rob a bank?”

We hear the transient yell again, still in a British accent. “Use the fucking door before it’s too bloody late, you God forsaken wankers. Hurry now, you tossers.”

I put my hand on Stain’s shoulder. “Let’s go be superheros.”

We run to the bank, open the unlocked door and go in to see two country boys holding rifles. They might be just old enough to drink, and here they are, trying to rob a bank.

I walk up to one of the men, and he quickly jabs his rifle hard into my chest.

I smile at him. “I don’t know much about rifles, but that looks like something you might shoot a racoon with.”

He gives me a very serious scowl back. “This is a 22 caliber. At this range, it’ll get the job done and then some.”

Stain doesn’t waste time. While I’m chatting, he walks right up to the other guy, punches him in throat, takes his weapon, trips him to the ground, then stomps on his face.

I continue talking. “Two country boys don’t come to kill anyone with a couple of farm rifles. Are you even robbing the place?”

“Our father had a loan for the farm. We’re trying to turn it into an organic farm. When daddy died, they said we had to pay up right away or give them the farm. He had 5 years left on the loan. We only missed one payment.”

The sleeve of his shirt slipped up a bit to reveal his wrist, where a tattoo of a smiling mushroom was inked.

I stare curiously at it. “What kind of things do you farm?”

“We farm mushrooms.”

“Shiitake?”

“No.”

“Portabella?”

“Nope.”

“Magic?”

“A man’s gotta make a living.”

“Look. It’s your lucky day. You’re going to walk out of here, and start a new life. You’re going to surrender yourself to the cops. Plead guilty for armed robbery, and you’ll end up doing very little time.”

“What about the mushrooms?”

“We’ll take care of that for you.”

“No more life of crime? What if we choose not to surrender? I’m the one with the rifle.”

“You’ll have to shoot me.”

“Fine.” His hands begin shaking. I’m still, but my heart rate increases. All sound has left my ears. I look right in his eyes. That moment lasts. It lasts forever, almost.

He stares right back at me and says: “ok,” grabbing the barrel of his rifle with one hand and handing it over to me. “I trust you.”

Stain hands him a paper and pen. “Write down the address of your farm.”

“You I don’t trust. What did you do to my brother?”

“The same thing that Sappho just did for you. I’m just faster.”

The farm boy writes down the address. “So, what now?”

Stain looks at me. “Yeah, what now?”

I walk away from the farm boy to have a private conversation with Stain, handing him the rifle in his free hand. We look out the big window to see that the cops are filling up the street fast.

I shake my head at Stain. “Who robs a bank? Ridiculous. Nobody does that. We have to act fast. Here’s the plan. We all go out together. I think there are probably around 10 people in here, 3 or 4 employees, 2 robbers, 2 superheros, and 2 or 3 customers. We all lie down on the ground, face down, hands out. It’ll minimize anyone’s risk of being harmed. Before we do that, you hand the rifles to one of the bank employees, and get her to secure them, where ever.”

“Employee break room?”

“Perfect.”

Stain is about to walk off, but he spots Lily, hiding in the customer waiting area. She gets up and runs towards him. She grabs the front of his shoulders, jumps on him and straddles him with her legs. He’s still holding the two weapons, but he wraps his arms around her the best he can. They start kissing.

Farm boy looks at me, perplexed. “What’s going on?”

“They just fully realized that they love each other. This might be the single greatest moment that either one of them will ever achieve.”

“I thought we had to hurry.”

“You can’t hurry love.”

Farm boy starts singing, in a very melodic way. “No, you’ll just have to wait . . .”

Stain spins Lily around. He’s truly elated.

Suddenly, I see shattered glass all over the floor, and my ears are ringing. People say that time moves slowly at a moment like this, but there’s no such thing as slow motion time. A person’s mind can’t always process a traumatic moment, so it grabs single frames from an event, which are later pieced together by false memory. It seems slow because you actually miss most of what happens. I see a blank distant look on Lily’s face. I see everyone lying down on the ground. Some look like they’re crying; some look like they’re screaming, but I can’t hear them. Stain is huddled over Lily. He weeps uncontrollably. Her eyes are vacant, face on the ground, with a pool of blood under her head. He starts hugging and kissing her, but it just looks gruesome, not sweet or sad. His hair, hands, and shirt are dripping with blood. The farm boy starts vomiting uncontrollably, and I think one of the tellers has wet her pants.

I hear a gun shot. I wake up out of my daze. “We’re not safe in here. We have to move. The cops are shooting in at us.”

Everyone, except Stain just stares at me. Stain just keeps kissing Lily on the mouth, even though blood is leaking out.

I yell, loud, deep. “Everyone out. Now, now, now. Move, move, move.”

The farm boy gets up, grabs his brother, who is able to move despite his injured face and neck, and starts heading for the door. Everyone but Stain follows.

I grab Stain’s shirt collar, and start pulling him towards the door. He goes into rage mode and starts hitting me in the chest. We get outside, and the cops surround us and the other people from the bank.

We see the cop from last night. He looks tired. He walks up to us. “I know you guys. I’ll bet one of you is the shooter.”

I look at the cop with a look of serious concern. “One of your cops shot into the bank.”

“Good luck telling that one to the judge. Your buddy here is covered in blood and human remains. Looks like he was dumb enough to shoot someone at close range.” The cop points his finger in Stain’s face.

Stain punches the cop as hard as he can in the face. “I’ll kill everyone one of you blue suited bureaucrats.”

More cops come over and start beating Stain. I jump in to help, but the two of us face a football team worth of guys with billy clubs.