September 4

Country Gravy – Chapter 15

Country Gravy

Stain and I walk along the path once more, which now weaves between buildings. We’re almost downtown.

I poke Stain sharply between the ribs. “Hey, hungry.”

“Cool cool. Let’s just check if the t-shirt place is open yet.”

I get louder. “Hungry.”

“There are a ton of restaurants right near the t-shirt shop.”

“Hungry now. Eat now.”

“All right fat boy, chill out. We’ll stop somewhere.”

“I will stab your eyes out.”

“Calm blue ocean man. Calm blue ocean. Why so mad?”

“I’m hangry, and don’t calm blue ocean me again, or I’ll see how many fists I can fit in your wee wee hole.”

Stain nervously laughs, but lucky for him, he knows every restaurant in the city. He leads us a bit off the path to a 24 hour place. His wee wee is safe for another day.

We’re seated inside a chain restaurant. Every second item on the menu has some type of pun in the name. They must have thought they were clever when deriving this foolishness. A waitress with brown hair and lightly tanned skin comes over and writes ‘Smurfette’ on the brownish paper that’s draped over the table. “Hi guys. I’m Smurfette. I’ll be serving you today. Do you have any questions or would you like to order something to drink right away? Tea and Coffee are free with breakfast.”

Stain looks up from his menu. “I’m Stain and this is Sappho.”

“Are those your real names?”

Stain smiles. “Is Smurfette your real name?”

Before she gets a chance to answer, I speak up. “I would like a cup of green tea and whatever you can get me that has the most eggs, meat, and potatoes possible.”

Smurfette is young and very pretty. She smiles at me, and I find it impossible not to smile back. “That would be the Sl-Ham it out of the Park. Are you good with scrambled eggs?”

“Yes.”

“White or whole wheat toast?”

“No toast. Thank you.”

Stain looks up from his menu again. He points. “What’s country gravy?”

Smurfette responds. “It’s a thick white gravy that people eat with biscuits and sausages.”

Stain looks a bit disgusted by this. “Thick white gravy? What’s it made of?”

Smurfette looks puzzled. “I’m not sure. I can ask.”

I shake my head. “That’s all right. Country gravy is made using milk as the base.”

Stain looks even more disgusted. “Are you sure that’s milk? Look at the consistency in the picture.”

Smurfette is about to leave. “I’ll go ask.”

I shake my head again. “That’s OK. It’s milk. I’m sure of it.”

Stain scratches behind his ear with one eye closed. “I don’t think that’s cow’s milk. Maybe bull’s milk.”

Smurfette looks at him without missing a beat. “Bull’s milk, gross. Well, I guess if you want a high protein breakfast.”

Stain points again. “Well what’s a country fried steak?”

Before Smurfette gets a chance to respond, I take Stain’s menu and hand it to her. “He’ll have a coffee, and please get him whatever meal has the most pancakes possible. While you’re at it, you can give him the toast that I didn’t want from my breakfast. Just give him the first thing that pops out of the toaster. It doesn’t matter what color it is. Thank you.”

Smurfette looks at Stain to make sure this is all right. Stain nods his head and grabs my hand, faking a very offensive effeminate lisp. “Sometimes he orders for me. He’s dominant in public but submissive in private.”

Smurfette nods with her eyes gaping wide open. “I’ll uh, get you your orders.”

September 3

Sappho Party of Five – Chapter 14

Ice Cream

Stain pushes Not Lily’s face out of his backside and begins putting his clothes back on. Not Lily seems angry again. “I just licked your asshole for like 20 minutes, you owe me a fuck.”

“I’m not having intercourse with you; I know where you’ve been.”

Before Not Lily gets a chance to give an angry response, I take her hand, grab the hand of one of the other topless girls, and motion towards the third topless girl to walk with us. I even courtesy motion Shirtless Guy. He eagerly accepts, and everyone except Stain goes off to a more wooded area.

Two of the ladies are playing like dogs with my bone. Shirtless Guy begins by tongue kissing Not Lily, which is kinda gross, but he moves on quickly to playing the mutual insertion game with what can only be described as a 16 inch, two way, purple instrument of destruction that he and Not Lily have put up their business ends while they are butt to butt. Not Lily starts smacking the other ladies front doors. “Yeah, bitches. You like that? You like when I slap your fucking cunts. Does that make you wet?”

The ladies didn’t seem to mind at all. They just started playing with me like I was ice cream and they were good friends who liked to share. Not Lily wets her middle and index fingers on both hands and starts working the good and bad openings on each of the ladies. Shirtless Guy is smacking himself in the face over and over again while saying: “take that you dirty little son of a whore.”

This is truly one of my darker sexual experiences. Shirtless Guy’s purple action seems to be doing the trick for him. He lets out a very significant sounding whimper which sets off a chain reaction. He pulls the purple away and replaces Not Lily’s end with his face. She has some sort of gushing explosion which soaks his face and most of his hair. The ladies that are desperately trying to suck the icing out of my pastry bag start writhing, wiggling, and screaming from Not Lily’s efforts, and at that very moment, before I have my big opportunity, Stain runs up.

“Sappho, time to go.”

“Uh, really? Can you not see . . .”

“Time to go. Seriously.”

“Seriously?”

“Time to go.”

I pull away from the two girls kissing each one of them slowly on the mouth, slipping my tongue in. I grab my clothes, and Stain ushers me away quickly, before I get a chance to put my clothes back on. We start running further down the path and reach some buildings. We hide, and I get dressed.

Stain gives me an apologetic look. “Sorry about that man.”

“You know it’s not your birthday anymore. You better have a good reason for that.”

“Number one, it’s my birthday until we go to sleep, and number two, I had a great reason. I was walking around and saw a cop car and no officer in it, only about a ten minute walk from where we were.”

“All right. Reasonable explanation, but it’s totally not your birthday.”

“It is, and you know it is.”

I pull out my phone to show Stain the date and how it isn’t his birthday. “What the . . . crap.”

Stain looks at me. “What?”

I show Stain the date on the phone. He laughs. “I thought that was yesterday. You mean, today is my actual birthday?”

“Yes.”

“I told you. I told you today was my birthday.”

September 2

Backdoor – Chapter 13

Back Door

A couple of muscular jock types start walking towards the crowd. They have an air of entitlement in their bomber jackets and extra short hair cuts.

The smarter looking of the two speaks up, number 17 on his jacket. “Hey, you guys got weed?”

Shirtless guy goes to welcome them. “Yes, but you have to accept the challenge first.”

Number 14 pushes shirtless guy to the ground. “Fuck off. Where’s the weed?”

Number 17 laughs, in a feigned deep voice sort of way. He puts his hand up for a high five, but number 14 goes in for a hug instead. Number 17 gets a few words out. “Oh, man. You’re the greatest.” Number 14 adds his bit. “I love you man.” Number 17 says: “I love you!”

It would seem that the bomber number is somehow correlated to the actual IQ of these mouth breathers. I realize that at some point, I’m going to have to defend shirtless hippie guy, as he has somehow become an ally of mine, but I’m starting to understand how the rest of the world felt when Germany took over France.

Stain is fully naked now, but the two girls who were about to start on his front have become scared. Not Lily is still in full force on the backend. I guess this one is up to me. I stand up and slowly begin to saunter towards the neanderthals. “Hey, future nobodies. Why don’t you go grab your roid shrunken goodie bags and your pocket full of roofies and party with some under age girls who can ignore the fact that you clearly want to make love with each other?”

The bomber buddies look very angry as they begin towards me. Stain, in all his glory jumps in front of them, blocking their path; he is a slender naked superhero, standing at one hundred percent attention.

Number 17 looks aroused and confused. “What the fuck? Put some fucking clothes on, faggot.”

Stain gives a thoughtful glare. “What did you call me? You’re the guys watching me touch myself.” Stain slowly begins yanking the crank. “Oh number 17. Oh number 14. You’re the kings. You’re the kings.” This comes off in an obvious fake porn star sort of way.

The bomber buddies look conflicted as they watch Stain intently. Conflict isn’t good for people with the combined intelligence of a Cocker Spaniel. I’m worried they’re either going to accidentally pee themselves or start humping Stain. Before the bomber buddies get a chance to do anything stupid, Stain sucker punches number 14, really hard, right in the nose. He must have hit it just right, as it’s gushing blood, and 14’s eyes are welling up.

17 goes for Stain, but Stain just begins running with rigamortis firmly grasped in hand. 17 is too busy staring at Stain’s shiny and freshly licked backside, as he trips over a large obvious rock. Stain takes this opportunity to double back, crouch down quickly and offer up a humiliating face smack with his third leg. Stain walks away laughing.

I walk over to 17, offer him a hand up. He takes it. I stare at him directly in the eyes and say nothing.

17 looks a bit nervous. “This is fucking bullshit. We just came to party.”

I say nothing.

17 fake motions as if he’s going to hit me. He yells. “Fuck you. I’ll kill you bitch.”

I’m silent, just staring right at him.

“This is bullshit. Fuck you guys. Fuck you all.” He motions to 14. “Come on man. These guys are assholes. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

14 walks over to shirtless guy and pushes him to the ground again. “Fine by me. That underage girl party sounded better than this shit hole anyway.”

17 laughs a deep laugh. “You’re funny. That’s why I love you so much.”

14 grabs 17’s hand. “I love you too man.”

As the bomber buddies walk off. The topless girls and shirtless guy all surround us in a weird group hug that makes my pink bits swell up. Not Lily looks really impressed. “You guys really are superheros. That’s amazing.”

Stain and I have our arms around each other’s shoulders, looking towards the water, while Not Lily goes back to work on Stain’s backdoor. Stain looks at me. “Where’s the girl you were with?”

“Jessica? She must have left.”

“Sorry man.”

“Yeah.”

We stand there silently, watching the rising sun slowly overtake the water, while hearing the waves and Not Lily’s tongue lapping away.

September 1

Brown Eye – Chapter 12

Brown Eye

I sit right next to the girl by the rocks. She’s not much like the others. She’s not a hippie, and she’s not pretending to be one. “Hi. You don’t seem like the others here.”

She doesn’t look at me. “Why? Because I’m wearing a shirt.”

“No, you seem different because they’re partying, and you’re sitting here by yourself, thinking. I feel like I know you from somewhere.”

She still won’t look at me. “You don’t know me. I don’t know you.”

“Well, I’m Sappho.”

“It’s nice to meet you Sappho.” She puts her hand out and looks right in my eyes. “Jessica.”

“Nice to meet you Jessica. I can see you’re in pain. I see it in your eyes.”

“I’m fine.”

Cannon joint gets brought down to us by Shirtless Guy. “Smoke my friends, smoke.”

I grab the huge roll. “Did you want to?”

Jessica gives me a half smile, and we both start to suck back on the joint. It’s huge, by far the biggest thing I’ve ever had near my mouth, and I’ve been in some highly questionable situations. Whoa, that’s an instant rush. My brain is doing the backstroke in my head. Shirtless guy and the joint are suddenly far away, but Jessica stays beside me.

My stream of consciousness starts fading in and out, but I end up having a moment of clarity. “I know where I know you from.”

She’s not quite at that moment of clarity. “Men are the worst. They just want to have sex with lots of women, and they want to hang out with their friends and be jerks.” She starts poking me in the chest. “I won’t take my clothes off and have sex with another woman just to impress you.”

I laugh. “Of course, that’s all I want, as a man. I want to see you naked, be mean to you, and for some reason, I feel an overwhelming need to watch you copulate with someone else that’s not a man? Does that make sense?”

“When you first saw me, didn’t you want to see me naked?

“Of course I did. You’re beautiful. I also thought that I’d like to get to know you. It might not matter to me what order those two things come in, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.”

Jessica’s half smile gets a bit bigger. “I suppose not. Do you really think you know me from somewhere, or was that just a line?”

“No, I . . . ” It might sound weird if I tell her. I saw her in a dream. It was her, exactly; how unusual. She was on top of me, her face, her form, everything. “Your eyes.”

“Are they red?”

“No, no, they’re beautiful.”

She makes a bit of a breath noise. “They’re brown, like the color of shit.”

“No they’re beautiful.”

I hear someone yelling. “Dave’s not here man.”

Like that’s never been done before. I look over my shoulder, shirtless guy, obviously. Before I focus my attention back on Jessica, I see Stain with the two shirtless girls, and the third one has joined back in. I’m feeling very conflicted. Dream girl is right next to me, and Stain is about to have the best experience of his life. The problem I’m having is that if Stain is really in love with Lily, he shouldn’t have anything get it the way of that. While I’m pondering this, I see Not Lily begin to pull Stain’s pants down, and her tongue slides down his lower back, lower and lower.

August 31

Stress Balls – Chapter 11

Balls

The half naked woman who loved the site of Stain chowing down on his own, followed him over to the massive cannon joint and huffed on it at the same time as him. The sides of their lips touched while they inhaled together. She took one extra hit then grabbed his face, pressed her lips to his and blew the smoke into his mouth. She began moving her tongue around in their too, but Stain just looked like he was waiting for her to stop. Things finally turned around for the beautiful, slender brunette when she reached down and started to gently roll Stain’s mayo makers as if they were stress balls in her fingers. She covers his eyes and whispers in his ear. “Call me Lily.”

“No. I can’t do that.”

She slaps his face. “Call me Lily.”

I grab the girls hand. “Listen, Not Lily. Stain here is madly in love with a girl he doesn’t really know. While I would like to see him butter your biscuits, if he really loves this other girl, he needs an unobstructed path that doesn’t include your sweet candy.”

Stain nods at me. “Thanks man. That means a lot.”

Not Lily looks angry. “What kind of fucking bullshit is that? Are either one of you two homos going to fuck me?”

Stain laughs. “Not it.”

Not Lily is fuming mad. “Thanks lover boy. What about you? The tall faggot.” She points at me.

“What about me?”

“You going to man up, or are you in love too like your homo friend?”

I look at Not Lily and smile. I go behind her, lock my hand with her’s, finger after finger. I reach our hands down the front of her pants and begin playing with her well carpeted basement. She starts moaning then I put my lips to her ear. “You know what? I’m never second choice.”

Stain laughs. We walk away together, and Not Lily lets out a huge breath. “Faggots.”

The other two topless ladies stop to talk to us, and as lovely as they look, I see a long wavy haired girl, sitting alone down by the rocks. She’s not sad or sulking. She’s pensive. Something draws me to her. I’m sure I’ve seen her somewhere before.

August 30

Share the Love – Chapter 10

Joint

We’re running. I’ve sped up and Stain has slowed down. We’re sober. The pathway starts moving closer to the river, through the trees, and away from the road. This is good for us, no cops.

We slow down to a walking pace. Just up ahead, we see inukshuks built up using river rocks. The water flows gently between stoney legs. People are singing, dancing, and playing guitars.

“Stain, do you smell that?’

“Yeah, it smells like Blueberries?”

“No man. It smells like weed.”

“Oh yeah, yes, yes yes.”

“Stain, what Man?”

“Blueberry weed.”

We walk towards the beautiful aroma to find around 30 folks, all partying, having fun, and passing a joint that was made by stuffing an empty paper towel roll with good ole Mary Jane.

Stain says nothing. That’s Stain sober.

I’ll give it a go. I walk up to a shirtless guy who is wearing a bandana on his head, so I figure he won’t judge me, even though I obviously just judged him. I’ll even try to speak his lingo. “Hey man, I hope I’m not harshing your buzz or crashing your party or whatever, man. We’re just like heading downtown, and we saw you guys and wanted to say hi.”

Shirtless guy, with eyes only half open and a goofy smile on his face, nods at me. “Yeah. You guys are welcome here. You just have to contribute, you know?”

Stain puts his shoulders up and then back down. “All we have is twenty cents.”

Shirtless guy shakes his head at us and starts wagging his finger. “Don’t think capitalist. Think commune. We don’t accept money. We only accept an offering of yourselves, whatever that may be.”

Again, Stain is silent, so I speak. “OK. Well, we’re superheroes, so perhaps we could entertain you with our superpowers. We each have one.”

Shirtless guy speaks up, so everyone will listen. “I have an announcement. We have two newcomers who have accepted the challenge of offering. They are superheros, and each one of them wishes to regale us with his own unique superpower. Their superpowers are . . .”

Shirtless guy looks at me to finish the sentence, but I walk over to him and whisper in his ear. He simply nods at me and speaks to the crowd once more. “The superpowers will be demonstrated but not announced.”

Stain pulls me aside. “How am I going to perform my superpower? I’m not drunk.”

“You’re not. You’re going to do the party trick.”

“What? No way.”

“We promised superpowers. Trust me, it’ll look like a superpower.”

“You can do the party trick too. Why don’t you do it?”

“Because. My superpower works without alcohol.”

“How am I going to be able to perform?”

“Leave that to me.”

I borrow someone’s lawn chair and give it Stain. He nervously sits down on it.

I walk over to the edge of the river where three beautiful, long haired, dancing, hippie women have their feet in the water. I whisper to them then they promptly surround Stain and take their shirts off.

Stain pulls down his pants, pulls out Stain junior, bends way over, and pops it in his mouth.

Shirtless guy looks amazed. “Holy fucking shit man.”

The three ladies surrounding Stain, whose eyes are now bulging way out of their heads, look over at me. So, what’s your superpower?

Shirtless guy speaks to the crowd again. “Before performing, he told me that his superpower was that he could get any woman to take her shirt off. I believe he has adequately demonstrated this.”

Stain puts his pants back on. “All right, time to share the love.”

One of the topless women touch his back. “I’m all about sharing the love, especially after seeing you suck your own cock.”

Stain walks in the opposite direction. “I’m talking about the herb; besides, I love Lily.”

August 29

Cop or Peacock – Chapter 9

Police

Stain grabs his eyes. “I think I have hepatitis.”

I give Stain an out of the corner of my eye sort of glance. “Hepatitis? In your eye?”

“Yeah, the fellow that had been liberated from possessions was spitting while he spoke.”

I laugh, out loud, and then I suddenly put on a serious deadpan face, even though I’m anything but serious. “What if he had herpes?”

“What? Oh, no. I can totally get ocular herpes. I’ve heard of that.”

“Oh yeah. You’ll have a big ring of incurable disease blisters shooting out of your eye.”

“What can I do?”

“This is terrible. People are going to think you were the creamy filled center in all boys production of circle time.”

“They totally will. They’ll look at my oozing eyesores and think that I love facials and not the good kind either.”

“There’s a good kind?”

“Yeah, it’s like a whole skin treatment at a beauty salon.”

“Oh, wow! Now, I feel like you deserve eye herpes.”

Stain starts fiddling with his eye a bit more and shows me his index finger. He looks and sounds very relieved. “It was just an eyelash, not an ocular disease.”

“That’s a relief. Now you only need to worry about the downstairs infections.”

A cop car is driving by. Stain waves a friendly hello, and the car pulls over.

A man wearing a funny costume with a piece of metal pinned on put his window down. “What are you boys up to tonight?”

I ignore the cop. Stain walks right up to the car, with his hand reaching up into his shirt. It almost looks like he’s holding a gun. “We’re walking, downtown.”

“What’s downtown?”

Stain moves his eyes back and forth, as if he were revealing the world’s best kept secret. “We’re going to get t-shirts made. We’re superheroes.”

“Ah, OK. Look, I’ve had some reports of weird stuff happening not too far from here. One report involves a large, tall, white guy. The other report is a medium framed, slender Chinese man.”

Stain looks, only mildly offended when he says in a racist Jerry Lewis type of accent. “So sorry. Me love you long time.”

The cop looks annoyed. “Are you trying to be smart with me?”

I look over. “He’s not Chinese.”

“Well, if you say so, but he sure looks Chinese, or Japanese, or something that ends with an ease sound.”

My tone is clearly annoyed at this point. “That’s right. He’s cheese. That’s his heritage. He comes from a long line of cow booby milk with a ton of bacterial culture.”

The cop gives the hand them over hand signal. “All right, names and IDs.”

Stain is happy to say who we are. “I’m Stain and this is Sappho. We fight for good.”

I’m much less thrilled with the whole encounter. “Listen sideshow. We’re not giving you our IDs. We don’t respect your authority, and your goofy little costume doesn’t do anything to help you out. Are we clear?”

“I can take you both down to the station right now. Would you like that?”

I screw up my eyes at this comment. “You. You’re just a peacock. You couldn’t even take one of us down to the station, never mind both of us. Give us your best.”

Stain actually looks a bit concerned now, as the cop begins calling for backup.

“I have matching descriptions for one Chinese man . . .”

Stain looks at me very intently but still finds the time to put on the Jerry Lewis accent again. “We run now? You want a flyed lice?”

“Yes, now we run.”

August 28

Transient Man – Chapter 8

Homeless

Stain and I walk for a while where there is a whole lot of nothing but houses and a few office buildings. We walk for a while longer, and finally get to a nice, reasonably well lit path that will take us all the way downtown. The path begins at a west-end park, in a bit of questionable neighborhood. Yes, it’s dark, but we’re drunk superheroes with no real sense of personal safety, as you might expect of people like us.

Although the pathway is a nice riverside walk during the day, it’s a bit of a different story at night. A man on the street, likely transient in nature, approaches us. He has a surprisingly strong build for someone without a home. “Do you guys have change?”

We both search through our pockets. I apologetically hand him twenty cents. “I’m sorry this is all I have.”

“Thank you so much. I just need to catch a bus.”

Stain looks inquisitive. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Anywhere but here.”

Stain and I look at each other, and I speak up. “We’re going anywhere but here, but we’re walking.”

“Oh? You’re going that way.” He points in the direction we’re headed.

“Yes. Downtown.”

He looks at me as though I’m from a foreign land.

“Down . . . town? What direction is this downtown in?”

Stain looks at him and points down the path. “It’s that way.”

The transient looks confused and upset.

I elaborate. “Yes, it’s that way. That way is North.”

The transient looks around, almost to make sure nobody else is watching us. “True north or north north.”

I look directly into his eyes, to see if anyone is home. “I don’t think we’re close enough to the North Pole that it would make an actual difference.”

“Right, right, right, right. Left. No, no. It’s up. North is up on a map.”

Stain actually scratches his head at the transient’s ramblings. “Yes, on a map, North is up.”

“You are going down, Downtown, but you are going up. You are going up to go down.”

Stain and I look at each other, trying to figure out what to say or how to help, but the transient continues his ramblings.

“I never go up. I go down. I go down to go down. I never go up to go down. I never go up to go up. I don’t go North.” His voice begins to elevate, and he’s now spitting while speaking. “What kind of people go North? What kind of people are you? It’s cold there. I go South. I go down.”

Stain has a silly grin on his face. “You only ever travel South?”

“Well, sometimes left and East, but never North, never, never, never up and usually down, usually South.”

My logic diarrhea comes oozing out of my mouth before I have a chance to wipe it away. “That’s going to be a problem for you. You really shouldn’t take the bus or any other means of vehicular transportation. If you’re aiming to mostly travel South and never North, you will get to the South Pole and be stuck there forever. You should walk. Take your time and see the sites. It might take you a lifetime just to get to the tip of South America. It’ll be your life’s journey, instead of just a cold icy prison.”

The transient quickly grabs my hand slams the twenty cents back into it. “You’re right. I wish I had of run into you earlier. You are so right. Thank you so much. I will remember your words forever wise man.”

“You can keep the money. You might need it.”

He looks at me and caresses my face as though I were his lover. “You keep the money. I’m sure you will need it.”

He skips off into the distance like a schoolboy on Ritalin. I don’t have the heart to tell him he’s traveling North, and Stain just thinks it’s funny.

August 27

Unexpected Taggers – Chapter 7

Hoodie

The two artists are slow and apprehensive about approaching us. They’re probably used to running in a scenario like this. I feel awkward, and I don’t know what to say. Stain usually fixes these situations.

Stain walks right towards them. “Don’t worry you’re safe for a little while, as long as that couple doesn’t call the cops. We’ll be look out, if you want.”

They step closer to us, remove the hoods from their sweat shirts and reveal their secret identities, female taggers.

It made sense to me now. “The couple thought you were teenagers. It’s because of your shorter thinner stature. They assumed you were boys, not women.”

The pale faced black haired woman nods. “Yeah people do that. We’ve never got caught. The police come, and we just take the hoodies off – instant transformation from secret identity to innocent women trying to get home.”

The girl with the tanned skin and blonde hair introduces them. “I’m Ben and this is Frank. We’ve liberated ourselves from our given names, and we really like Benjamin Franklin.”

I look at Stain with the holy heck eyeballs. “How perfect is this? They have secret identities, and they change the world for the better, regardless of what the law says.”

“Yeah.” Stain pauses. “I think I’m in love.”

“I think I’m in love too.”

“With Lily.”

“Lily?”

“Yeah, the redheaded talent agent from the bar.”

“Yeah, uh, I know who Lily is.” I was a bit perplexed, but hey, who am I to question love?

Stain looks at Ben. “Ben, Frank, what are you guys up to tonight, other than the obvious?”

Frank puts on a cute little pouty face. “We actually have to get home. We both have office jobs in the morning.”

I nod. “That’s cool. That’s life.”

Ben awkwardly walks closer to me. “What do you guys do?”

I’m afraid to answer. I’m never nervous about this, but I’m afraid, really afraid. Stain pipes up before I get the courage.

“I’m Stain, and this is Sappho; we’re superheros. We fight for good.”

I look at Stain with my eureka look. “That’s it. You nailed it, right into the wall. We fight for good. That’s so much better than we fight crime.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s is it. Man, I totally nailed it. So, do you ladies want to see my superpower?”

Ben looks nervous, but before she can object Frank excitedly weighs in. “Oh, yes, yes we definitely do.”

Stain runs away very quickly. Ben looks at me. “Soooooooo, what’s your superpower?”

“I kinda . . . I just don’t want to say right now.”

Ben gives a bit of a “whatever” eye roll. “It’s cool. We gotta go anyway.”

Frank almost looks sad. “Aw. Why won’t you show me?”

“OK. The things is. My superpower is getting a woman to show me her breasts, but I don’t want to do that with you guys.”

Ben looks a bit angry. “You don’t want to see our tits. That’s fucking bullshit.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I want to see you both, but I’m conflicted. I have such a powerful mental attraction to the two of you. I just don’t want to go straight to the physical. I’d like to go on a date with you and you.”

Ben squints at me. “You want to date us both. Then what? You’ll decide who you like better?”

“No, no, no, no. No! I want the three of us to go on a date. We’d all be on a date together. Dinner and a movie might be nice.”

Ben gives me an ugly, angry look. “That’s weird. Just weird.”

Frank looks back at Ben with a “you’re not being nice” glare. “Ben, don’t be so judgmental. A nice boy is asking us on a date. He’s tall, nice looking, has all of his teeth, and he’s a superhero. He also thinks our art work is cool, and he wasn’t sexist about female taggers. I say we give him a chance.”

“Fine, we’ll give him a chance, but I still think it’s weird. How do we get a hold of you?”

I start fiddling in my pockets as though I might have something to write with, even though I never do. “I need a paper and pen.”

Frank has the pouty face again. “We only have paint.”

I got it. “Stain.”

Ben gives me the ugly face again. “He took off. He’s nowhere around . . . wait, what the hell?”

Stain is back with a swoosh.

“Hey man, can I borrow your sketch pad and pencil?”

Stain pulls out a small sketch pad and pencil. I write my number on it twice. Rip the paper in half, and give one to Frank and one to Ben.

Ben has a bit of a smile on her face. “I still think this is weird.”

I shake my head no. “It’s not going to be weird; it’s going to be magical.”

Ben gives me the middle finger. “You know what’s magical? Magical is a guy asking to see my tits and getting to see them, not a guy asking not to see my tits.”

Before I got a chance to respond, Ben lifts her shirt and bra.

Frank looked amazed. “‘Wow! They really are superheros.” She then lifted her shirt and bra. “We’ll call you.”

Stain and I began to walk away. He put his head half to the side and opened his eyes really wide. “Do you have to do that everywhere we go?”

“Do what?”

“The boob thing.”

“I didn’t do it this time. I actually tried to stop it.”

“Yeah. Right.”

August 26

Street Art – Chapter 6

Post Office

“Stain, man, I got t-shirts on the brain. You know a place we can get shirts custom?”

“Downtown. I’m up for the walk if you are.”

“Yeah, I’m up for the walk, but downtown is farther away than my sense of dignity when I saw that 70-year-old woman in the parking lot. I don’t think we’ll make it before they close.”

“They’ve already closed. You still up for the walk?”

We start walking downtown, which is at least a 30 minute cab ride from the hotel. The moon is full in the sky, and there are only a few people out on the streets, even on this warm night.

We walk past a couple on the street, holding hands, and Stain immediately has one of those “light bulb over his head” ideas, so he stops them. “Hey folks, I’m Stain, and this is my crime fighting friend Sappho. We’re superheros. Have you seen anyone committing crimes?”

The man gives us a funny look, but the woman seems a bit more trusting when she points and says: “yes, there’s a post office just around the corner and some teens are putting graffiti all over it.”

I have to clarify for them. “Right, we don’t mean crimes against big bureaucracy, business, or other large empires that need to be taken down a peg. We’re just talking about crimes with a victim.”

The male part of the couple quickly chimes in, as if he has something important to say. “We are victims. We pay our taxes to maintain that building, and now it’s going to cost us extra to get rid of the graffiti.”

Stain looks appalled. “Why would anyone get rid of public art on a public building? That’s censorship.”

The argument begins to get fairly volatile between Stain and the man, so I use the opportunity to talk to his girlfriend off to the side. She shakes her head. “He always does this shit.”

Stain actually bitch slaps the guy. The guy is fuming mad, yelling at the top of his lungs, so Stain laughs and runs away, like lightning. The man starts chasing him.

The woman is about to go after them, but I take her hand. “Don’t worry. He’ll never catch Stain.”

“How can you be sure?”

“He’s drunk. It’s his superpower. When he’s drunk, he can run really fast?”

“Wow, he is really fast. Wait, what’s your superpower then?”

“I can get women to show me their boobs.”

“What? How is that a superpower?”

“Do you normally show your boobs to people?”

“No.”

I squeeze her hand gently, to remind her that our hands are still locked. “Wouldn’t you love a moment of pure adrenaline, pure energy? That’s what your angry boyfriend gets when he leaves you here alone and runs off to fight with people.”

“I guess, but I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone.”

“You don’t have to. You just lift that little piece of cloth and let your amazingly beautiful breasts bounce, and if you don’t feel that rush – free shot – punch me in the face.”

“You’d let me punch you in the face?”

“It would be totally worth it to see someone as beautiful as you.”

She has a bit of an “angry at the boyfriend” but excited look at the same time. She pulls her shirt and bra down, instead of up, hiding her small belly but exposing her massive breasts.

The bulge is back. “Oh my.”

We didn’t notice, but the boyfriend is heading back, and he starts yelling.

“What the fuck bitch? That guy is fucking dead. Do you hear me you superhero motherfucker? I’m going to kill you and ass rape your dead fucking corpse.”

The woman is so distracted that she forgets to pull her shirt back up, and I’m so distracted by the shirt being down that I can’t even look away from her. I hear his foot steps getting closer. Suddenly, I hear a loud thump, and I wince. Stain did a jumping leg tackle on the running maniac. He’s doing his best to hold him down, but the guy is fairly big and fairly angry.

“Sappho, let’s go man.”

I look at the woman, shirt still down. So, do you feel the energy?”

“Yes, yes. Do you?”

I cup her breast, pinch the nipple, and kiss her on the cheek. “Oh yes, indeed.”

Stain and I begin to run off, but I’m going really slow. Stain looks back at me. “Come on man. He’s going to catch up.”

“It’s difficult to run. I have a big boob bulge in my britches. No worries. I’ve got an idea.”

We run over to the post office to see a scene of the most beautiful rain forest set a blaze, painted on the side of the building.

Stain sees the artists and waves at them. “I love your work.”

There’s no sign of the disgruntled boyfriend now. He probably wasn’t up for a four against one scenario.