October 28

First Snow Fall

With the first snowfall, a snow-white beauty.

An anxiety over the end.

Excitement over a new beginning.

A season of darkness, fires, and new gifts.

What more could I ask for as I lay bleeding in the morning snow.

The reddish slush around me will give life to a new snowman.

Category: Poetry | LEAVE A COMMENT
October 22

Suicide Fucking Sucks!!!

TV

My youngest daughter is suicidal. I’m managing it well, and I think she’ll be all right, but this is easily the worst time in my entire life, likely hers too.

It makes me wonder about how I spend my time though. Is there any value in watching TV or porn or whatever other bullshit ways I spend my time? Hell no! I’ve never given up TV for more than a year, but every time I give up TV, amazing things happen in my life. I make new friends, write a book, change careers. Why am I watching TV? Why am I doing half of the stupid things I’m doing. I don’t have free time, nobody does. All you have is time and how that time is spent.

I love you youngest daughter. You know this already, and I will make significant changes in my life because of you and because of my niece who ended her life earlier this year. I want every minute of the next 40 years to mean something, and it starts right fucking now!

Category: Diary | LEAVE A COMMENT
July 26

My Only Niece

My only niece, who was wonderful, kind, caring, good to her family, and loved horses, took her own life recently. It’s the only death I’ve experienced that has impacted my life in a very negative way. Other people I cared about have died, but they were older, and I was prepared for it. Suicide isn’t an act of selfishness. It isn’t a crime. It’s something that happens to a desperately sad person who just can’t continue on living. They don’t understand how much everyone aches after they are gone.

To my niece, I would like to say that I love you, and I forgive you for all of the pain I feel right now. To anyone else who is contemplating suicide, you don’t know it now, but people will hurt for the rest of their lives the moment you die. The pain you feel as someone who is suicidal is the pain that people who knew you feel after you die, except it doesn’t go away for them.

The words that I write are coming from a person who has been suicidal, has had a father attempt suicide, has had a friend attempt suicide, and has had a niece kill herself. In every single case, they were sure that death is what they wanted, but after the attempt, every person, even my niece, decided they wanted to live.

In the end, everyone wants to live. That’s the strange thing about suicide. You can never be successful in completing suicide because all people truly want to live. For those who do complete suicide, they just died before they got a chance to come back from near death. My niece, in the end, wanted to live. She, like every other suicidal person I’ve known, begged for her life to be saved. She went from being sure she wanted to die to sure she wanted to live, but it was too late for her. Her family and an excellent medical team couldn’t save her life, even though they did everything right.

Her parents had recognized the signs and were doing absolutely everything they could to improve the situation. Everyone did everything they could, but in the end, it is the suicidal person who makes the decision. If anyone who is suicidal reads this, please know that there is a better way out than ending your life. Realize that, although you don’t feel it now, you do want to live.

Now, I try everyday not to cry, but the tears keep falling.

To my only niece, I love you, goodbye forever.

Suicide Prevention

Category: Diary | LEAVE A COMMENT
May 10

Juggling Expired Yogurt

Expired Yogurt

Yesterday, I had this magically funny moment where I was with my daughter, and I was juggling three small containers of expired yogurt. One of the containers had slightly opened a bit. My daughter was nervous that the expired yogurt would open or splash everywhere if I dropped it, but we shared a moment that was fun and kind of hilarious.

Life is juggling expired yogurt. Once in a while a bit of bad will leak out. You’re definitely going to drop something every now and then and have a big mess to clean up, but if you never take chances, you’ll never have fun. You’ll never live life!

Leave a comment then go juggle some expired yogurt.

Category: Diary | LEAVE A COMMENT
May 7

Not until May the 8th

Tomorrow

On May the 8th, I will be everything I want
Everything I know I can be.
I’ll be wiser, strong
More confident.

I’ll be nicer to people
Less reactive.
I’ll be smarter
I’ll be everything I ever wanted to be.

But not until May the 8th.

Category: Poetry | LEAVE A COMMENT
May 6

Profound Fucking Sadness

Profound Sadness

What man needs to cry? Maybe all men need to cry. I’m going through couching right now, a type of couching that looks inward. It can be a bit like therapy at times. Other times, it can look like business coaching. My coach tore open an old wound. The years of stress and unexplained anxiety that I feel everyday was washed away with sadness and tears, just like that. Instead of being stressed and a little bit angry all of the time, I’m just very sad now. Maybe I’ve always been sad. Not maybe, definitely. I’ve always been sad. At least now I can deal with that sadness, instead of the unexplained stress.

I suffered from childhood trauma, and all of my life I just seemed like I was a little bit angry and maybe a little bit dead inside. I’m just as emotional as anyone around me. I have the soul of a poet, and I’ve finally realized that while I’m rough and strong on the outside, I’m still gooey and mushy emotionally.

I know I’ll come out the other side as a better more enlightened person, but this is really fucking difficult and strange. Luckily, the sadness makes me want to write more.

Has anyone else out there gone through emotional transformation?

Category: Diary | LEAVE A COMMENT
December 2

Toasted honey sandwich #poetry

The sweetest type of honey drips down that delicious golden brown.

The tip of my tongue licks the drop, tastes it.

I press my lips to it, spread it open, just a bit.

My eyes close, the smell, intoxicating.

I slide my tongue inside, licking and tasting every bit of honey inside.

A bit drips down my chin, and all I can do is look up and smile.

Category: Poetry | LEAVE A COMMENT
November 28

How to Keep Peace

She takes your dreams,

Steals your time,

Makes you mad,

Bloody irrational.

She’ll take your health,

Then your life.

Breathe.

In, she’s translucent.

Out, she’s transparent.

Breathe. She’s gone.

She whispers in your ear.

Breathe.

In.

Out.

Category: Poetry | LEAVE A COMMENT