September 8

This Just Won’t Do – Chapter 19


My fingers are caressing Stephanie’s warm gooey goodies. She continues to kiss me but stops as her eyes close, head tilts backward, and she lets out a little moan. Her voice is quite, but her basement is flooded like it’s hurricane season.

The door opens, and I quickly withdraw my digits from beneath Stephanie’s under garb. She sprints over to put her shirt on. Her beautiful little pink dots stay at the exact same elevation as her tiny, perky, flesh doesn’t move along with her. There is no bounce and no sag, just a perfect level of unchanging salute.

“Davis, good you’re still here.”

Big Money, uh . . .”

“Davis come with me. There’s someone I want to introduce you to.”


Stephanie is slightly paralyzed, but she chimes in. “Sir, um, I can explain.”

Big Money waves at her. “No need, no need. Your dressing room, your business. Next time you lock the door, and I’ll knock.”

“Yes sir.”

I walk out with Big Money and close the door behind me.

Big Money pats me on the back. “Taste your fingers.”


“Oh man, trust me. Taste your fingers.”

“I uh..”

Big Money takes my hand and puts it up to my mouth. I give the “why not” shoulder shrug and pop my fingers in my mouth.


“She tastes really good. How did you know? You’ve been with her?”

Big Money starts laughing, the kind of loud boisterous laugh you might expect from someone who is eating a live baby panda while throwing nickles on top of hot coals and inviting starving children to collect them. “No. Nobody’s been with Stephanie. I just wanted to see if you’d do it. You’re one sick fucker. You know that?”

I shake my head at Big Money. “OK, you got me.” I pop my fingers back in my mouth for another taste. It’s a bit like honey and lemon.

“You sick fucker. Take that woman’s vag juices outta your mouth. I got a lawyer for you and Reggie.” He slaps my hand away from my mouth, opens his office door and says: “Davis, this is James, our corporate lawyer. He is going to make sure you and Reggie get the best representation. It’s on me. The only stipulation is that we get the exclusive story from you and Reggie for the next year.”

I put my hand in my pocket to discreetly wipe away the juice and saliva, pull it out, and shake James’ hand.

Big Money belts out another baby panda eating laugh, which causes James to look at him in a very puzzled manner. Big Money puts his hand on my shoulder. “Now listen. You’re Davis, OK. None of that lesbian erotica shit with putting your Stain on Sappho when you’re talking to lawyers, judges, cops, or anyone involved in the law. Save that for the fans.”

“OK, yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

I look at James. “How long do you think until we can get Stain, I mean Reggie, out of holding.”

“Well, right now, we’re going to work on keeping you out of jail. It seems like there isn’t anything that the cops can really charge you with at the moment, but Reginald assaulted several police officers, and once they are done processing him, he is going to move from the holding cell to a real life prison, at least until we can get him in front of a judge.”

I’m worried. “Then we can get him out?”

“Not likely. That part is more of a formality. He’ll still have to go to trial.”

“Then, when will he get out?”

“If there aren’t any big delays, it depends on whether he is granted bail or not. He could be locked up for 3 months, possibly 6 months, before a verdict is found. I suspect if we can get enough media attention though, we can get a plea bargain for time served.”

“If he pleads guilty?”

“Right, but then he would be out in a month.”

“So, if he lies and says he’s guilty, he gets out in a month, but if he tells the truth and says he’s innocent, he has to serve 6 months in jail, and that’s only if he’s found not guilty?”

“The law has a process, and Reginald’s best bet, now that he’s in the system, is probably going to be a guilty plea.”

“This won’t do.”

James puts his hands up and looks at Big Money.

Big Money puts his hand on my shoulder and ushers me out of his office. “Look, we’ll work out the details. Davis, go home, grab a beer, have a steak, and enjoy your freedom. We’ll get Reggie out, at any cost.”

“Thanks. Thank you.”

I say thank you because I’m grateful, but this just won’t do.

September 7

The Interview – Chapter 18


“What’s your name?”


“Is that your first name or last name?”

“It’s my name. There’s no more.”

“Look, the boss asked me to interview you, but it’s my reputation on the line here, so if you’re not going to be straight forward with me, I’m not doing the interview. This is my career after all.”

“You’re Stephanie right? I’ve seen you do the news before.”

“That’s right.”

“Stephanie, I don’t think you understand that this will be your career maker. I’m bringing you a story as a witness to the crimes.”

“All right. Let’s just roll and we’ll see where it goes.”

Stephanie calls the camera man over and a makeup lady. After a lot of fuss and setup, she sits down and introduces me to the camera.

“So, you call yourself Sappho? Is that an alias?”

“Sappho is more like a nickname. It’s what people call me.”

“Right, right. Well, from early reports that we’re getting, you and your accomplice Stain sexually assaulted a retired woman, assaulted a man, ran away from the cops when you were wanted for questioning, robbed a bank, murdered a woman, assaulted several police officers, and now you have escaped police custody. Why the rash of violent crime? What are you rebelling against?”

I slip off my shoes and stretch out my legs.

“Stephanie . . . uh, may I call you Stephanie?”

“Yes of course.”

“I apologize ahead of time if I’m not well put together. Today has been particularly rough. I’ve never been on television before, and you’re quite lovely. I’m sorry if that makes things awkward, but I find it difficult to talk to you because you’re just so ridiculously beautiful.”

“Oh. Well. OK. Thank you.”

“Stephanie, I believe you asked me about the bank.”

“Among other things.”

“Stain and I saw a bank robbery in progress. We went in to see if we could stop it. We wanted to see if we could talk the robbers into putting down their weapons and walking out.”

“How did you know there was a bank robbery? Did you have a police scanner?”

“No, no. We wouldn’t do that. We saw a police car outside the bank and people acting strangely nearby. We figured there was robbery.”

“So, you broke into the bank while it was under police control?”

“No no. Stephanie, no. We just walked right through the unlocked front door. Nobody tried to stop us.”

I rested my foot on top of Stephanie’s.

“What? Um, what did you see when you got inside?”

“There weren’t too many people around, but I wasn’t really focused on that. We saw two robbers with low caliber rifles. I talked to the leader to get him to surrender, while I was doing that, Stain got the rifle from the other robber. Soon after that, Stain discovered that a woman in the bank was somebody that he met recently, someone that he fell for.”

“So, Stain was in love with this women?”

“It would seem like an instant connection, yes.”

I began running my foot up Stephanie’s leg, and she just smiled at me.

“Tell us about the gunshot.”

“The police shot into the bank at that point, killing Lily, the woman of Stain’s adoration. Stain lost himself to that moment. He held Lily while she departed from this world. The police then shot into the bank again.”

“What did you do then?”

“I got everyone to leave the bank. I was afraid the police were going to kill everyone. The robbers actually helped to evacuate the bank. They were villains, but they turned into heros.”

“Now, what do you say to the police when they say that Stain shot that woman from point blank? They say that the bullets came from inside the bank and shot out the bank window.”

“There were two shots. One came through the window and landed in Lily’s head. The bank window shattered inward, into the bank. The second shot, I don’t know. I don’t know where it landed, but they’ll find it in the bank, and they’ll trace it back to a cop’s gun.”

“They say that Stain was holding two rifles at the point the female victim was shot.”

“Stain was securing the robbers weapons. They had agreed to surrender.”

“So, why escape police custody?”

“I didn’t escape. I was never arrested. I was never read my rights. I wasn’t processed or put in jail. I walked out of the police station. I did that legally. Anyone who checks their records will see that.”

Stephanie takes a long pause. “Is there anything else you would like to say?”

“Yes. As far as I know the police still haven’t arrested Stain for any crime. They are holding him illegally, and I would like to ask for his immediate freedom.”

Stephanie takes a long pause again, smiles at me, and says: “that’s a wrap.”

Stephanie gets up and begins walking away. I put my shoes back on and follow her.

“Stephanie, where are you going?”

No answer.

“Stephanie, I thought that went well.”

“Did you? You know I’m a professional, and running your stinky foot up my leg while I’m trying to interview you, well it demeans me. It makes a fool of me and what I am and what I stand for.”

Stephanie opens the door to her dressing room.

“Stephanie, please forgive me. I respect you and your profession, and I don’t want you to think…”

Stephanie grabs my hand. “Shut up. I don’t care what you have to say.” She pulls me into her dressing room and shuts the door behind her.

Stephanie removes her shirt.

I absorb Stephanie’s image. “You are beautiful.”

“Why do people call you Sappho anyway?”

“I’m a superhero.”

“Yeah, right. What’s your superpower?”

Stephanie unhooks her bra and smiles at me. I smile back, say nothing and kiss her on her big beautiful pink lips.

September 6

Call for Help – Chapter 17

Call for Help



“First name followed by last name.”

“The name is Sappho. No last name.”

“Are you homeless or something?”

“No. Are you homeless?”

She looks at me as though I’m the biggest idiot on the planet. “I obviously have a job. I’m sitting here entering your information. So, no I’m not homeless. Look, you’re going to have to give me your cell, wallet, and any valuables you have on you. Basically, you’ll need to give me everything that you have that isn’t clothing or shoes.”


“Excuse me?”

“I said no. I’m not doing that.”

She gives me the idiot look again and motions towards a police officer. “Dalton? Come over here please.”

I pull out my phone.

“Never mind,” she says.

Dalton looks at me. “Everything good?”

“Everything is fine,” I say calmly.

Dalton begins walking away, so I quickly dial a number on my phone.


“Hey, Big Money. I need your help.”

“Man, people are always calling me for help. Is this Davis?”

“Yeah yeah. I go by Sappho now, but listen. I have the story of a lifetime for you. Can you meet me at the downtown police station, right away?”

“Davis man, this better be good. I haven’t even heard from you in years. How are you man? Were you arrested?”

“No, I wasn’t arrested. They’re holding me illegally. It’s Sappho now. We’ll talk when you get here.”

At this point, the lady who was asking me for my personal stuff has got up and is bringing Dalton over. I hang up the phone quickly and pocket it.

Dalton looks at me. “Hand over the phone.”

I see Stain, only a few desks away. He looks at me with wide eyes and points at the door. I nod.

Stain walks right over to a cop and punches him in the throat. My only escape is through a pass key only door.

Four cops, including Dalton, grab Stain, but Stain is punching and kicking with all his might.

I grab the clerk lady’s pass and bolt for the door. She’s in shock over the commotion. I see three cops outside the door who look at me curiously when I’m leaving on my own. I start yelling at them. “Quick quick quick. There’s a riot in there. Go go go!”

Two of them run in there like good little soldiers.

I do the slow saunter towards the door. The third toy soldier in blue starts yelling at me to stop. I completely ignore him and continue walking. A good toy soldier isn’t going to leave his post, so I’m out the front door.

Big Money, hey.”

“Davis. Hey man.”

Big money wraps his arms around me.

“Stain is in there man.”

“Stain. Who is Stain?”

“You know – Reggie.”

“Reggie’s in jail. Man, I always knew he would end up there.”

“No, that’s the thing Big Money, Stain and I were never arrested. I just escaped.”

“You escaped police custody?”

“No. I was never arrested.”

“Davis man . . . that’s just a technicality.”

“Not according to the law.”

“No, but it’s just your word against the cops.”

“Right. They shot an unarmed woman in a bank.”

“The bank robbery. You were there? Early reports are saying that the shots came from inside the bank.”

Big Money, listen man. You have someone go by there. The glass is all shattered inside in the bank, almost none on the sidewalk. How does that happen?”

“All right man. Let’s get you off the street. Come to the TV station, and I’ll have someone do your story. You better not have robbed that bank.”

September 5

You Can’t Hurry Love – Chapter 16

Broken Glass

As I’m finishing my last few bites of food, Stain goes over to the waitress and hands her a credit card. They chat for a while, and she writes something down.

Stain points at the door. He does that a lot; he points. His nonverbal communication skills are extraordinarily effective. I nod, and we walk out together.

I give Stain the ‘you da man’ glance. “Picked up the waitress? Nice!”

Stain looks disgusted. “No way. That’s evil man. You don’t pick up a woman who relies on tips at her place of work. That’s just wrong.”

“So, waitress isn’t the oldest profession on earth?”

“Yeah. Funny. Why did you think I was picking her up?”

“You guys were chatting for a while, and didn’t you give her your phone number? She was writing something down.”

“No. I didn’t give her my phone number. I told you; that’s evil.”

Stain points to a big yellow M down the road. “We’re almost there. The t-shirt shop is right next to the capitalist feeding trough.”

As we’re getting closer, people in the area are starting to move in weird ways. They are frantic but not quite panicked. “Stain, what’s going on?”

Stain points at a cop car, then at a bank. “It’s going down.”

“Stain, man, only one car. It’s just starting to go down. Is this us? Should we be in there saving the day?”

“We’re superheros. We fight for good.”

I nod my head yes. “But, by saving the bank, we might be saving a bad institution that helps aid disparity.”

Stain shakes his head no. “It doesn’t matter. There might be innocent people in there. It’s not about saving the bank. It’s about saving the victims.”

Stain points again. “Isn’t that the guy who almost gave me eye herpes?”

“I thought that was the football team.”

“Funny. I mean the South to go South guy. The fellow without possessions.”

“That’s him.”

The transient walks towards us. “What are you guys doing?”

He seems surprisingly lucid. I look deep in his eyes. “We’re going to stop a bank robbery in progress.”

“Might I be of assistance my good sirs?”

Stain looks at me. “Sure?”

The transient does a little dance. “Wonderful my good man, wonderful. Now, the first rule of hiring a mercenary is he must be paid to stay loyal.”

I reach into my pocket and pull out twenty cents, holding it in my hand.

He grabs the money and starts speaking in a British accent. “20 pence. A very fair wage. A very fair wage indeed. I will provide the much needed distraction.”

The transient runs over to the bank and begins doing a very odd looking folk dance, while yelling: “use the door. Use the door.”

I look at Stain. “Could it be that simple? Would they have left the front door unlocked?”

“Amateurs would have.”

“Who else would rob a bank?”

We hear the transient yell again, still in a British accent. “Use the fucking door before it’s too bloody late, you God forsaken wankers. Hurry now, you tossers.”

I put my hand on Stain’s shoulder. “Let’s go be superheros.”

We run to the bank, open the unlocked door and go in to see two country boys holding rifles. They might be just old enough to drink, and here they are, trying to rob a bank.

I walk up to one of the men, and he quickly jabs his rifle hard into my chest.

I smile at him. “I don’t know much about rifles, but that looks like something you might shoot a racoon with.”

He gives me a very serious scowl back. “This is a 22 caliber. At this range, it’ll get the job done and then some.”

Stain doesn’t waste time. While I’m chatting, he walks right up to the other guy, punches him in throat, takes his weapon, trips him to the ground, then stomps on his face.

I continue talking. “Two country boys don’t come to kill anyone with a couple of farm rifles. Are you even robbing the place?”

“Our father had a loan for the farm. We’re trying to turn it into an organic farm. When daddy died, they said we had to pay up right away or give them the farm. He had 5 years left on the loan. We only missed one payment.”

The sleeve of his shirt slipped up a bit to reveal his wrist, where a tattoo of a smiling mushroom was inked.

I stare curiously at it. “What kind of things do you farm?”

“We farm mushrooms.”






“A man’s gotta make a living.”

“Look. It’s your lucky day. You’re going to walk out of here, and start a new life. You’re going to surrender yourself to the cops. Plead guilty for armed robbery, and you’ll end up doing very little time.”

“What about the mushrooms?”

“We’ll take care of that for you.”

“No more life of crime? What if we choose not to surrender? I’m the one with the rifle.”

“You’ll have to shoot me.”

“Fine.” His hands begin shaking. I’m still, but my heart rate increases. All sound has left my ears. I look right in his eyes. That moment lasts. It lasts forever, almost.

He stares right back at me and says: “ok,” grabbing the barrel of his rifle with one hand and handing it over to me. “I trust you.”

Stain hands him a paper and pen. “Write down the address of your farm.”

“You I don’t trust. What did you do to my brother?”

“The same thing that Sappho just did for you. I’m just faster.”

The farm boy writes down the address. “So, what now?”

Stain looks at me. “Yeah, what now?”

I walk away from the farm boy to have a private conversation with Stain, handing him the rifle in his free hand. We look out the big window to see that the cops are filling up the street fast.

I shake my head at Stain. “Who robs a bank? Ridiculous. Nobody does that. We have to act fast. Here’s the plan. We all go out together. I think there are probably around 10 people in here, 3 or 4 employees, 2 robbers, 2 superheros, and 2 or 3 customers. We all lie down on the ground, face down, hands out. It’ll minimize anyone’s risk of being harmed. Before we do that, you hand the rifles to one of the bank employees, and get her to secure them, where ever.”

“Employee break room?”


Stain is about to walk off, but he spots Lily, hiding in the customer waiting area. She gets up and runs towards him. She grabs the front of his shoulders, jumps on him and straddles him with her legs. He’s still holding the two weapons, but he wraps his arms around her the best he can. They start kissing.

Farm boy looks at me, perplexed. “What’s going on?”

“They just fully realized that they love each other. This might be the single greatest moment that either one of them will ever achieve.”

“I thought we had to hurry.”

“You can’t hurry love.”

Farm boy starts singing, in a very melodic way. “No, you’ll just have to wait . . .”

Stain spins Lily around. He’s truly elated.

Suddenly, I see shattered glass all over the floor, and my ears are ringing. People say that time moves slowly at a moment like this, but there’s no such thing as slow motion time. A person’s mind can’t always process a traumatic moment, so it grabs single frames from an event, which are later pieced together by false memory. It seems slow because you actually miss most of what happens. I see a blank distant look on Lily’s face. I see everyone lying down on the ground. Some look like they’re crying; some look like they’re screaming, but I can’t hear them. Stain is huddled over Lily. He weeps uncontrollably. Her eyes are vacant, face on the ground, with a pool of blood under her head. He starts hugging and kissing her, but it just looks gruesome, not sweet or sad. His hair, hands, and shirt are dripping with blood. The farm boy starts vomiting uncontrollably, and I think one of the tellers has wet her pants.

I hear a gun shot. I wake up out of my daze. “We’re not safe in here. We have to move. The cops are shooting in at us.”

Everyone, except Stain just stares at me. Stain just keeps kissing Lily on the mouth, even though blood is leaking out.

I yell, loud, deep. “Everyone out. Now, now, now. Move, move, move.”

The farm boy gets up, grabs his brother, who is able to move despite his injured face and neck, and starts heading for the door. Everyone but Stain follows.

I grab Stain’s shirt collar, and start pulling him towards the door. He goes into rage mode and starts hitting me in the chest. We get outside, and the cops surround us and the other people from the bank.

We see the cop from last night. He looks tired. He walks up to us. “I know you guys. I’ll bet one of you is the shooter.”

I look at the cop with a look of serious concern. “One of your cops shot into the bank.”

“Good luck telling that one to the judge. Your buddy here is covered in blood and human remains. Looks like he was dumb enough to shoot someone at close range.” The cop points his finger in Stain’s face.

Stain punches the cop as hard as he can in the face. “I’ll kill everyone one of you blue suited bureaucrats.”

More cops come over and start beating Stain. I jump in to help, but the two of us face a football team worth of guys with billy clubs.

September 4

Country Gravy – Chapter 15

Country Gravy

Stain and I walk along the path once more, which now weaves between buildings. We’re almost downtown.

I poke Stain sharply between the ribs. “Hey, hungry.”

“Cool cool. Let’s just check if the t-shirt place is open yet.”

I get louder. “Hungry.”

“There are a ton of restaurants right near the t-shirt shop.”

“Hungry now. Eat now.”

“All right fat boy, chill out. We’ll stop somewhere.”

“I will stab your eyes out.”

“Calm blue ocean man. Calm blue ocean. Why so mad?”

“I’m hangry, and don’t calm blue ocean me again, or I’ll see how many fists I can fit in your wee wee hole.”

Stain nervously laughs, but lucky for him, he knows every restaurant in the city. He leads us a bit off the path to a 24 hour place. His wee wee is safe for another day.

We’re seated inside a chain restaurant. Every second item on the menu has some type of pun in the name. They must have thought they were clever when deriving this foolishness. A waitress with brown hair and lightly tanned skin comes over and writes ‘Smurfette’ on the brownish paper that’s draped over the table. “Hi guys. I’m Smurfette. I’ll be serving you today. Do you have any questions or would you like to order something to drink right away? Tea and Coffee are free with breakfast.”

Stain looks up from his menu. “I’m Stain and this is Sappho.”

“Are those your real names?”

Stain smiles. “Is Smurfette your real name?”

Before she gets a chance to answer, I speak up. “I would like a cup of green tea and whatever you can get me that has the most eggs, meat, and potatoes possible.”

Smurfette is young and very pretty. She smiles at me, and I find it impossible not to smile back. “That would be the Sl-Ham it out of the Park. Are you good with scrambled eggs?”


“White or whole wheat toast?”

“No toast. Thank you.”

Stain looks up from his menu again. He points. “What’s country gravy?”

Smurfette responds. “It’s a thick white gravy that people eat with biscuits and sausages.”

Stain looks a bit disgusted by this. “Thick white gravy? What’s it made of?”

Smurfette looks puzzled. “I’m not sure. I can ask.”

I shake my head. “That’s all right. Country gravy is made using milk as the base.”

Stain looks even more disgusted. “Are you sure that’s milk? Look at the consistency in the picture.”

Smurfette is about to leave. “I’ll go ask.”

I shake my head again. “That’s OK. It’s milk. I’m sure of it.”

Stain scratches behind his ear with one eye closed. “I don’t think that’s cow’s milk. Maybe bull’s milk.”

Smurfette looks at him without missing a beat. “Bull’s milk, gross. Well, I guess if you want a high protein breakfast.”

Stain points again. “Well what’s a country fried steak?”

Before Smurfette gets a chance to respond, I take Stain’s menu and hand it to her. “He’ll have a coffee, and please get him whatever meal has the most pancakes possible. While you’re at it, you can give him the toast that I didn’t want from my breakfast. Just give him the first thing that pops out of the toaster. It doesn’t matter what color it is. Thank you.”

Smurfette looks at Stain to make sure this is all right. Stain nods his head and grabs my hand, faking a very offensive effeminate lisp. “Sometimes he orders for me. He’s dominant in public but submissive in private.”

Smurfette nods with her eyes gaping wide open. “I’ll uh, get you your orders.”

September 3

Sappho Party of Five – Chapter 14

Ice Cream

Stain pushes Not Lily’s face out of his backside and begins putting his clothes back on. Not Lily seems angry again. “I just licked your asshole for like 20 minutes, you owe me a fuck.”

“I’m not having intercourse with you; I know where you’ve been.”

Before Not Lily gets a chance to give an angry response, I take her hand, grab the hand of one of the other topless girls, and motion towards the third topless girl to walk with us. I even courtesy motion Shirtless Guy. He eagerly accepts, and everyone except Stain goes off to a more wooded area.

Two of the ladies are playing like dogs with my bone. Shirtless Guy begins by tongue kissing Not Lily, which is kinda gross, but he moves on quickly to playing the mutual insertion game with what can only be described as a 16 inch, two way, purple instrument of destruction that he and Not Lily have put up their business ends while they are butt to butt. Not Lily starts smacking the other ladies front doors. “Yeah, bitches. You like that? You like when I slap your fucking cunts. Does that make you wet?”

The ladies didn’t seem to mind at all. They just started playing with me like I was ice cream and they were good friends who liked to share. Not Lily wets her middle and index fingers on both hands and starts working the good and bad openings on each of the ladies. Shirtless Guy is smacking himself in the face over and over again while saying: “take that you dirty little son of a whore.”

This is truly one of my darker sexual experiences. Shirtless Guy’s purple action seems to be doing the trick for him. He lets out a very significant sounding whimper which sets off a chain reaction. He pulls the purple away and replaces Not Lily’s end with his face. She has some sort of gushing explosion which soaks his face and most of his hair. The ladies that are desperately trying to suck the icing out of my pastry bag start writhing, wiggling, and screaming from Not Lily’s efforts, and at that very moment, before I have my big opportunity, Stain runs up.

“Sappho, time to go.”

“Uh, really? Can you not see . . .”

“Time to go. Seriously.”


“Time to go.”

I pull away from the two girls kissing each one of them slowly on the mouth, slipping my tongue in. I grab my clothes, and Stain ushers me away quickly, before I get a chance to put my clothes back on. We start running further down the path and reach some buildings. We hide, and I get dressed.

Stain gives me an apologetic look. “Sorry about that man.”

“You know it’s not your birthday anymore. You better have a good reason for that.”

“Number one, it’s my birthday until we go to sleep, and number two, I had a great reason. I was walking around and saw a cop car and no officer in it, only about a ten minute walk from where we were.”

“All right. Reasonable explanation, but it’s totally not your birthday.”

“It is, and you know it is.”

I pull out my phone to show Stain the date and how it isn’t his birthday. “What the . . . crap.”

Stain looks at me. “What?”

I show Stain the date on the phone. He laughs. “I thought that was yesterday. You mean, today is my actual birthday?”


“I told you. I told you today was my birthday.”

September 2

Backdoor – Chapter 13

Back Door

A couple of muscular jock types start walking towards the crowd. They have an air of entitlement in their bomber jackets and extra short hair cuts.

The smarter looking of the two speaks up, number 17 on his jacket. “Hey, you guys got weed?”

Shirtless guy goes to welcome them. “Yes, but you have to accept the challenge first.”

Number 14 pushes shirtless guy to the ground. “Fuck off. Where’s the weed?”

Number 17 laughs, in a feigned deep voice sort of way. He puts his hand up for a high five, but number 14 goes in for a hug instead. Number 17 gets a few words out. “Oh, man. You’re the greatest.” Number 14 adds his bit. “I love you man.” Number 17 says: “I love you!”

It would seem that the bomber number is somehow correlated to the actual IQ of these mouth breathers. I realize that at some point, I’m going to have to defend shirtless hippie guy, as he has somehow become an ally of mine, but I’m starting to understand how the rest of the world felt when Germany took over France.

Stain is fully naked now, but the two girls who were about to start on his front have become scared. Not Lily is still in full force on the backend. I guess this one is up to me. I stand up and slowly begin to saunter towards the neanderthals. “Hey, future nobodies. Why don’t you go grab your roid shrunken goodie bags and your pocket full of roofies and party with some under age girls who can ignore the fact that you clearly want to make love with each other?”

The bomber buddies look very angry as they begin towards me. Stain, in all his glory jumps in front of them, blocking their path; he is a slender naked superhero, standing at one hundred percent attention.

Number 17 looks aroused and confused. “What the fuck? Put some fucking clothes on, faggot.”

Stain gives a thoughtful glare. “What did you call me? You’re the guys watching me touch myself.” Stain slowly begins yanking the crank. “Oh number 17. Oh number 14. You’re the kings. You’re the kings.” This comes off in an obvious fake porn star sort of way.

The bomber buddies look conflicted as they watch Stain intently. Conflict isn’t good for people with the combined intelligence of a Cocker Spaniel. I’m worried they’re either going to accidentally pee themselves or start humping Stain. Before the bomber buddies get a chance to do anything stupid, Stain sucker punches number 14, really hard, right in the nose. He must have hit it just right, as it’s gushing blood, and 14’s eyes are welling up.

17 goes for Stain, but Stain just begins running with rigamortis firmly grasped in hand. 17 is too busy staring at Stain’s shiny and freshly licked backside, as he trips over a large obvious rock. Stain takes this opportunity to double back, crouch down quickly and offer up a humiliating face smack with his third leg. Stain walks away laughing.

I walk over to 17, offer him a hand up. He takes it. I stare at him directly in the eyes and say nothing.

17 looks a bit nervous. “This is fucking bullshit. We just came to party.”

I say nothing.

17 fake motions as if he’s going to hit me. He yells. “Fuck you. I’ll kill you bitch.”

I’m silent, just staring right at him.

“This is bullshit. Fuck you guys. Fuck you all.” He motions to 14. “Come on man. These guys are assholes. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

14 walks over to shirtless guy and pushes him to the ground again. “Fine by me. That underage girl party sounded better than this shit hole anyway.”

17 laughs a deep laugh. “You’re funny. That’s why I love you so much.”

14 grabs 17’s hand. “I love you too man.”

As the bomber buddies walk off. The topless girls and shirtless guy all surround us in a weird group hug that makes my pink bits swell up. Not Lily looks really impressed. “You guys really are superheros. That’s amazing.”

Stain and I have our arms around each other’s shoulders, looking towards the water, while Not Lily goes back to work on Stain’s backdoor. Stain looks at me. “Where’s the girl you were with?”

“Jessica? She must have left.”

“Sorry man.”


We stand there silently, watching the rising sun slowly overtake the water, while hearing the waves and Not Lily’s tongue lapping away.

September 1

Brown Eye – Chapter 12

Brown Eye

I sit right next to the girl by the rocks. She’s not much like the others. She’s not a hippie, and she’s not pretending to be one. “Hi. You don’t seem like the others here.”

She doesn’t look at me. “Why? Because I’m wearing a shirt.”

“No, you seem different because they’re partying, and you’re sitting here by yourself, thinking. I feel like I know you from somewhere.”

She still won’t look at me. “You don’t know me. I don’t know you.”

“Well, I’m Sappho.”

“It’s nice to meet you Sappho.” She puts her hand out and looks right in my eyes. “Jessica.”

“Nice to meet you Jessica. I can see you’re in pain. I see it in your eyes.”

“I’m fine.”

Cannon joint gets brought down to us by Shirtless Guy. “Smoke my friends, smoke.”

I grab the huge roll. “Did you want to?”

Jessica gives me a half smile, and we both start to suck back on the joint. It’s huge, by far the biggest thing I’ve ever had near my mouth, and I’ve been in some highly questionable situations. Whoa, that’s an instant rush. My brain is doing the backstroke in my head. Shirtless guy and the joint are suddenly far away, but Jessica stays beside me.

My stream of consciousness starts fading in and out, but I end up having a moment of clarity. “I know where I know you from.”

She’s not quite at that moment of clarity. “Men are the worst. They just want to have sex with lots of women, and they want to hang out with their friends and be jerks.” She starts poking me in the chest. “I won’t take my clothes off and have sex with another woman just to impress you.”

I laugh. “Of course, that’s all I want, as a man. I want to see you naked, be mean to you, and for some reason, I feel an overwhelming need to watch you copulate with someone else that’s not a man? Does that make sense?”

“When you first saw me, didn’t you want to see me naked?

“Of course I did. You’re beautiful. I also thought that I’d like to get to know you. It might not matter to me what order those two things come in, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.”

Jessica’s half smile gets a bit bigger. “I suppose not. Do you really think you know me from somewhere, or was that just a line?”

“No, I . . . ” It might sound weird if I tell her. I saw her in a dream. It was her, exactly; how unusual. She was on top of me, her face, her form, everything. “Your eyes.”

“Are they red?”

“No, no, they’re beautiful.”

She makes a bit of a breath noise. “They’re brown, like the color of shit.”

“No they’re beautiful.”

I hear someone yelling. “Dave’s not here man.”

Like that’s never been done before. I look over my shoulder, shirtless guy, obviously. Before I focus my attention back on Jessica, I see Stain with the two shirtless girls, and the third one has joined back in. I’m feeling very conflicted. Dream girl is right next to me, and Stain is about to have the best experience of his life. The problem I’m having is that if Stain is really in love with Lily, he shouldn’t have anything get it the way of that. While I’m pondering this, I see Not Lily begin to pull Stain’s pants down, and her tongue slides down his lower back, lower and lower.

August 31

Stress Balls – Chapter 11


The half naked woman who loved the site of Stain chowing down on his own, followed him over to the massive cannon joint and huffed on it at the same time as him. The sides of their lips touched while they inhaled together. She took one extra hit then grabbed his face, pressed her lips to his and blew the smoke into his mouth. She began moving her tongue around in their too, but Stain just looked like he was waiting for her to stop. Things finally turned around for the beautiful, slender brunette when she reached down and started to gently roll Stain’s mayo makers as if they were stress balls in her fingers. She covers his eyes and whispers in his ear. “Call me Lily.”

“No. I can’t do that.”

She slaps his face. “Call me Lily.”

I grab the girls hand. “Listen, Not Lily. Stain here is madly in love with a girl he doesn’t really know. While I would like to see him butter your biscuits, if he really loves this other girl, he needs an unobstructed path that doesn’t include your sweet candy.”

Stain nods at me. “Thanks man. That means a lot.”

Not Lily looks angry. “What kind of fucking bullshit is that? Are either one of you two homos going to fuck me?”

Stain laughs. “Not it.”

Not Lily is fuming mad. “Thanks lover boy. What about you? The tall faggot.” She points at me.

“What about me?”

“You going to man up, or are you in love too like your homo friend?”

I look at Not Lily and smile. I go behind her, lock my hand with her’s, finger after finger. I reach our hands down the front of her pants and begin playing with her well carpeted basement. She starts moaning then I put my lips to her ear. “You know what? I’m never second choice.”

Stain laughs. We walk away together, and Not Lily lets out a huge breath. “Faggots.”

The other two topless ladies stop to talk to us, and as lovely as they look, I see a long wavy haired girl, sitting alone down by the rocks. She’s not sad or sulking. She’s pensive. Something draws me to her. I’m sure I’ve seen her somewhere before.

August 30

Share the Love – Chapter 10


We’re running. I’ve sped up and Stain has slowed down. We’re sober. The pathway starts moving closer to the river, through the trees, and away from the road. This is good for us, no cops.

We slow down to a walking pace. Just up ahead, we see inukshuks built up using river rocks. The water flows gently between stoney legs. People are singing, dancing, and playing guitars.

“Stain, do you smell that?’

“Yeah, it smells like Blueberries?”

“No man. It smells like weed.”

“Oh yeah, yes, yes yes.”

“Stain, what Man?”

“Blueberry weed.”

We walk towards the beautiful aroma to find around 30 folks, all partying, having fun, and passing a joint that was made by stuffing an empty paper towel roll with good ole Mary Jane.

Stain says nothing. That’s Stain sober.

I’ll give it a go. I walk up to a shirtless guy who is wearing a bandana on his head, so I figure he won’t judge me, even though I obviously just judged him. I’ll even try to speak his lingo. “Hey man, I hope I’m not harshing your buzz or crashing your party or whatever, man. We’re just like heading downtown, and we saw you guys and wanted to say hi.”

Shirtless guy, with eyes only half open and a goofy smile on his face, nods at me. “Yeah. You guys are welcome here. You just have to contribute, you know?”

Stain puts his shoulders up and then back down. “All we have is twenty cents.”

Shirtless guy shakes his head at us and starts wagging his finger. “Don’t think capitalist. Think commune. We don’t accept money. We only accept an offering of yourselves, whatever that may be.”

Again, Stain is silent, so I speak. “OK. Well, we’re superheroes, so perhaps we could entertain you with our superpowers. We each have one.”

Shirtless guy speaks up, so everyone will listen. “I have an announcement. We have two newcomers who have accepted the challenge of offering. They are superheros, and each one of them wishes to regale us with his own unique superpower. Their superpowers are . . .”

Shirtless guy looks at me to finish the sentence, but I walk over to him and whisper in his ear. He simply nods at me and speaks to the crowd once more. “The superpowers will be demonstrated but not announced.”

Stain pulls me aside. “How am I going to perform my superpower? I’m not drunk.”

“You’re not. You’re going to do the party trick.”

“What? No way.”

“We promised superpowers. Trust me, it’ll look like a superpower.”

“You can do the party trick too. Why don’t you do it?”

“Because. My superpower works without alcohol.”

“How am I going to be able to perform?”

“Leave that to me.”

I borrow someone’s lawn chair and give it Stain. He nervously sits down on it.

I walk over to the edge of the river where three beautiful, long haired, dancing, hippie women have their feet in the water. I whisper to them then they promptly surround Stain and take their shirts off.

Stain pulls down his pants, pulls out Stain junior, bends way over, and pops it in his mouth.

Shirtless guy looks amazed. “Holy fucking shit man.”

The three ladies surrounding Stain, whose eyes are now bulging way out of their heads, look over at me. So, what’s your superpower?

Shirtless guy speaks to the crowd again. “Before performing, he told me that his superpower was that he could get any woman to take her shirt off. I believe he has adequately demonstrated this.”

Stain puts his pants back on. “All right, time to share the love.”

One of the topless women touch his back. “I’m all about sharing the love, especially after seeing you suck your own cock.”

Stain walks in the opposite direction. “I’m talking about the herb; besides, I love Lily.”