A couple of muscular jock types start walking towards the crowd. They have an air of entitlement in their bomber jackets and extra short hair cuts.
The smarter looking of the two speaks up, number 17 on his jacket. “Hey, you guys got weed?”
Shirtless guy goes to welcome them. “Yes, but you have to accept the challenge first.”
Number 14 pushes shirtless guy to the ground. “Fuck off. Where’s the weed?”
Number 17 laughs, in a feigned deep voice sort of way. He puts his hand up for a high five, but number 14 goes in for a hug instead. Number 17 gets a few words out. “Oh, man. You’re the greatest.” Number 14 adds his bit. “I love you man.” Number 17 says: “I love you!”
It would seem that the bomber number is somehow correlated to the actual IQ of these mouth breathers. I realize that at some point, I’m going to have to defend shirtless hippie guy, as he has somehow become an ally of mine, but I’m starting to understand how the rest of the world felt when Germany took over France.
Stain is fully naked now, but the two girls who were about to start on his front have become scared. Not Lily is still in full force on the backend. I guess this one is up to me. I stand up and slowly begin to saunter towards the neanderthals. “Hey, future nobodies. Why don’t you go grab your roid shrunken goodie bags and your pocket full of roofies and party with some under age girls who can ignore the fact that you clearly want to make love with each other?”
The bomber buddies look very angry as they begin towards me. Stain, in all his glory jumps in front of them, blocking their path; he is a slender naked superhero, standing at one hundred percent attention.
Number 17 looks aroused and confused. “What the fuck? Put some fucking clothes on, faggot.”
Stain gives a thoughtful glare. “What did you call me? You’re the guys watching me touch myself.” Stain slowly begins yanking the crank. “Oh number 17. Oh number 14. You’re the kings. You’re the kings.” This comes off in an obvious fake porn star sort of way.
The bomber buddies look conflicted as they watch Stain intently. Conflict isn’t good for people with the combined intelligence of a Cocker Spaniel. I’m worried they’re either going to accidentally pee themselves or start humping Stain. Before the bomber buddies get a chance to do anything stupid, Stain sucker punches number 14, really hard, right in the nose. He must have hit it just right, as it’s gushing blood, and 14’s eyes are welling up.
17 goes for Stain, but Stain just begins running with rigamortis firmly grasped in hand. 17 is too busy staring at Stain’s shiny and freshly licked backside, as he trips over a large obvious rock. Stain takes this opportunity to double back, crouch down quickly and offer up a humiliating face smack with his third leg. Stain walks away laughing.
I walk over to 17, offer him a hand up. He takes it. I stare at him directly in the eyes and say nothing.
17 looks a bit nervous. “This is fucking bullshit. We just came to party.”
I say nothing.
17 fake motions as if he’s going to hit me. He yells. “Fuck you. I’ll kill you bitch.”
I’m silent, just staring right at him.
“This is bullshit. Fuck you guys. Fuck you all.” He motions to 14. “Come on man. These guys are assholes. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”
14 walks over to shirtless guy and pushes him to the ground again. “Fine by me. That underage girl party sounded better than this shit hole anyway.”
17 laughs a deep laugh. “You’re funny. That’s why I love you so much.”
14 grabs 17’s hand. “I love you too man.”
As the bomber buddies walk off. The topless girls and shirtless guy all surround us in a weird group hug that makes my pink bits swell up. Not Lily looks really impressed. “You guys really are superheros. That’s amazing.”
Stain and I have our arms around each other’s shoulders, looking towards the water, while Not Lily goes back to work on Stain’s backdoor. Stain looks at me. “Where’s the girl you were with?”
“Jessica? She must have left.”
We stand there silently, watching the rising sun slowly overtake the water, while hearing the waves and Not Lily’s tongue lapping away.