English: A bunch of carrots (Daucus carota), w...
English: A bunch of carrots (Daucus carota), washed and placed on a wooden cutting board (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ding dong.

The doorbell. I do that thing where you put your hand up to your mouth, breathe out a big gust of warm air and try to smell fast enough to make sure your breath isn’t bad. I can’t really smell anything, but it doesn’t ever really work anyway. A quick hair check. Right, still falling out, awesome.

“I’m coming.”

I open the door to see Sam.

“Hey Ryan,” he says as he leans in really close and smells me.

“You smell good,” he says.

“Uh, thanks.”

“Are you going somewhere?”

“Yes, you gotta go. I have someone meeting me.”

He steps inside and shuts the door behind him.

“A girl?”

“A woman, yes.”

“Is she hot? Are you going to lay some pipe tonight?”

“Hot. Hot is understatement. She’s a redhead, and she has the perfect body. Hmmm . . . Samantha.”

“Wait, you’re going on a date with a redhead named Samantha?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“It’s gotta be the same crazy girl I dated. Don’t you remember the Sam/Samantha dating night? I was all excited by the prospect of this being the perfect woman. The night started off great. We were calling each other Sam, sharing food, and she even invited me back to her place.”

“So?”

“So, Ryan, it sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Except for one thing. She tells me to get naked, and I end up tied to a table while she violates me with carrots. I don’t even remember what happened after that, but I ended up at home with a note in my pocket, written in her blood.”

“Well, what did the note say?”

“The note said something about how she never wanted to see me again. As if that was a problem. I would never go near that crazy¬† bi . . .”

Ding dong.

“I’m getting out of here. Do you know her last name?”

“I’m sure it’s not the same Samantha.”

Sam starts heading out the back door, but not before he gets out his last few words: “Just ask her if her last name’s Carr. If it is, run for your life. Trust me Ryan – I’m your best friend. Promise me; you’re out if her last name is Carr.”

“I promise.”

I answer the door, only to see a more breathtakingly beautiful version of Samantha on the other side than I had ever seen before. This is her at her best. I thought I had already seen that. She’s wearing her signature green lipstick. She works at my accountants office, and no matter where she goes she always wears that lipstick.

“Come in Sam, you look – I mean, you are radiant.”

“You are so sweet and good-looking. I’m really glad you asked me out. I feel a little over sensitive mentioning this, but I really prefer being called Samantha.”

“Oh, absolutely. I just ran into a friend of mine minutes before you came over, and he goes by Sam. It must have just been the memory of that.”

“It’s no big deal. Do we have some time before we have to go?”

“Yes, can I get you a glass of wine?”

“I would love a red.”

So, would I is what I think to myself. While opening a bottle of red, there is a very comfortable silence between us. She rubs my shoulders and caresses my back. I kiss her cheek and pour the wine, while she flashes me a huge “thank you” smile.

“You know Samantha, I feel silly about this, but I don’t know your last name. I mean, I suppose that’s what dates are for.”

“Getting to know someone’s last name,” she says with a little giggle and a half-smile.

“I mean, uh, you know, just getting to know someone.”

“I’m Samantha Carr.”

I’m nervous, yet really excited at the same time. I want to see what happens.

“Right. My friend Sam mentioned that he went on a date with you. I didn’t think you were the same woman, but he told me Samantha Carr.”

“I’ve only ever dated one Sam – worst date of my life Sam.”

“Oh? Was it that bad?”

“It was worse than bad. He ordered steak,which I don’t like, and I ordered mussels. He kept eating all of my food and telling me to have some steak. He got so drunk at dinner that he couldn’t drive, and he had the only car there, so I drove back to my place, figuring he could hang out until he sobered up. He started gathering every phallic shaped item in the place, pens, cucumbers, whatever. He kept telling me how much fun we were going to have. I got really scared, and he just looked at me while I was shaking. I made it clear that nobody would be taking their clothes off tonight, and that is the moment he took off all his clothes. With a fist full pens in one hand and a cucumber and some carrots in another, he started to run towards me, but being as drunk as he was, he smashed right into the table, vomited all over the floor and passed out right there, right on my kitchen table. I found some old twine and quickly tied him up. He regained consciousness soon after, and I threatened him with one of the carrots. I didn’t do anything, but I made some really bad threats. I hated the person I was that night. He lost consciousness again, and I got a cab driver to help me take him home with the pens, cucumber, and carrots – I never wanted to see any of it again. I drove his car back to his house, and the cab driver drove me back home.”

“Wow. I’m really sorry Samantha. I didn’t know Sam was like that. That really explains everything.”

“So he told you about the date already?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to come between you and your friend, but I hope you believe me. He’s a really bad person.”

“I understand, and I believe you. Let’s enjoy the night and not think about that anymore. I’ll have to have a serious talk with Sam. There was just one other thing. I don’t know if you remember or not, but he said you wrote him a note.”

“Yes, it was a nasty note, but I just wanted to scare him. I wanted to make sure that he never tried to contact me again.”

“He said you wrote it in blood.”

“Never. He had all my pens, so I grabbed my red lipstick and wrote him a note. The note was written with lipstick.”

“Let’s go have some fun,” I say.

We smiled at each other, held hands and walked out the door.

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